Tuesday, September 30, 2008
NOW I know what I've been doing wrong all along-- The picture shows the right way to weigh yourself. Ah-hah!
There has been a long love/loathe relationship with the thing I trip over almost every morning as I enter my bathroom. .....the SCALE! This has been an epic battle that has lasted through decades and continues to this day.
Do I step on the scale today, or not? DO I want to know my weight today, or not?
I loathe the scale when it reads "high"-- But I love my scale when I'm on the down ward slope. I celebrate and do happy dances on it sometimes. Sometimes I just want to kick it.
I don't weigh every day...probably just once or twice a week...I say, Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I weigh once or twice a year. Ignorance is not so bliss in this circumstance.
We have had years go by with out owning a scale. One broke. One got thrown out in a fit of rage. I never go and replace it. Wayne does. He loves the scale.
There are actually people in my house excited to step on this contraption. Laila loves seeing her numbers go up, 35 lbs. 38 lbs., and now 40 lbs. She is thrilled!!! Football player, Monson and all of my skinny boys love to see their poundage go up too. It really is discouraging being the mother of boys who are over 6 feet tall that I weigh more than. Where's the justice?
Wayne doesn't seem to mind getting on the scale, even when he's tipping the 200 mark. He even gets on twice a day sometimes and fully clothed. What's up with that?
There is no way I have any clothing on when I step on the cold white surface. I close my eyes and think thin thoughts, and pray that I won't be upset when I look down at my feet. My eyes are so bad, I have to squint to read the number. (I don't have my glasses on-- they weigh too much. ) I only ever weigh right out of bed in the morning, nothing on, after having gone potty. Nada in my belly. This is my "true" weight after all. I would never think of stepping on that thing if I was dressed or if I had eaten something. Who wants that ? Then I would have to figure out how much my clothes weigh and divide it by what I ate that's still in my system and factor in the time of day....anyway the math gets too tricky.
SO the battle continues....will I weigh to day or not?
Monday, September 29, 2008
My heart isn't racing.
I can sleep at night.
I'm not running to the bathroom trying to empty the 104 oz. I just guzzled.
I don't have headaches from missing a day of Diet Coke.
It all sounds good, but.....
I did have to live on Excedrin for a few days to get off of it...and.....
I just miss it so ooo oooo oo much!
My grandma Butters was a diet pepsi drinker. She would try to hide it when the grandkids were around by pouring it in a cup and calling it "sweet aloha". Who did she think she was kidding? I loved my Grandma's sweet elixir. I secretly blame her for my addiction.
Giving up my diet coke is hard on me.
It 's like cutting my arm off-- whatevs.
I miss my "best friend"--DC
Listen to my whine!!
I've been drinking more water, fresca and diet lemonade-- it's okay-- but...man that diet coke really did hit the spot.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Okay, What have I eaten today?
8:30 am--yogurt with granola in it-- I have good intentions for a good eating day!
9:30--one baby powdered doughnut
10:30--wheat toast with spray butter
1:30--tuna fish and sweet pickles on a slice of cheese
1:50--1/2 of Laila's PB and J sandwich
2:10--handful of chocolate chips
2:15--handful of pistachios
3:00--1 chicken sausage/apple hot dog thingey (maybe this counts as a fruit?)
3:00--3 glasses of crystal light orange (does this count as a fruit?)
4:00--1 graham cracker cookie
4:15-- 1 baby powdered doughnut-- throw away bag.
Nobody is home, no car to go any where. I should clean my house. I should work in the yard. I should just go into the kitchen and eat so I don't have to think about any of the "shoulds"
4:30-5:00-- two sleeves of graham cracker cookies, many handfuls of chocolate chips to make them taste better
GET ME OUT OF THE KITCHEN
Leave house for the night.
10:00 pm-- Egg and toast--
PUT ME TO BED!
No fruit or vegetable all day long for me-- what is wrong with this picture?
Friday, September 26, 2008
I try not to. Every day I wake up with really good intentions, then something happens in my brain.......
I'll be at a check out line at a store, and just glance at the candy and then throw it in my cart. I quickly eat it as I drive home. I buy treats for "other" people, then eat it before the "others" even know about it. Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate.
Wow-- I'm just crazy!
I'm really noticing it this time though.
Food is like my one safe place to feel. It tastes good. It's like a friend.
I don't know how to feel about current life situations-- don't want to sort through feelings, don't know what to say, so I just eat instead.
I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat and I'm still hungry....not hungry really, but need comforting and food does that for me.
I'm writing about it this time , though, instead of searching the cupboards for the morsel that will really hit the spot.
I've been doing the cupboard crawl for days now, so writing may help.
I'm trying to be really honest with what's happening, but it's hard.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Why is good food and the making of good food sooooo expensive. By the time I buy all of the ingredients, I might as well eat at a restaurant every day-- pricey, but good.
My friend Si-- doesn't eat junk food, although we have been trying to keep a twinkie rumor alive for years, oh wait, that's my friend Kimi who eats those, never mind.
Back to Si--she doesn't eat anything cheap or bad. She counts box cake mix as cheap and she loves cake, but anything you have to take the time to make-- even a box cake mix-- isn't in the junk food category. Sorry Si.
If junk food is sitting around, even when I tell myself I won't eat it, within the half hour I'm snarffing it down.
I tried to quit buying it so it wouldn't be in my house, and now I'm making my own with whatever odds and ends I can find in my house. Chocolate chips and potato chip crumbs, or a yucky no name sandwich cookie dressed up with jam. I found an extra petrified m-n-m in the cupboard the other day, easily fit for the garbage...I ate it.
I love a good piece of fruit. But more times than not, I've bought the orange and it's inedible. It's dry or woody or not sweet. Just yuck. Same with Watermelon, Apples, cantelope, peaches, grapes, pineapple....they are not all created equal. A snickers bar, on the other hand, tastes the same every time.
Hello......Mother Nature -- you need to work on this.
And I need to work on my addiction to Junk food.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My boys all smiled , knowing my anti-white tirade only lasted a few weeks.
Just like an evil demon the white stuff is back.....gloating behind my cupboard doors.
"I knew she couldn't live without us for long...." the white flour snickers to the sugar, behind my back!!
I've made the peach crisp, twice now and a batch of cookie dough for the "I'm dieing"- Monson boy. I, of course, have to taste it...I don't have that much will power.
Okay this weekend, I hardly had any will power.
I didn't snarf the entire dessert down or eat all of the cookie dough by myself, I limited my self to a few bites.
Better than usual, I'd say. Still not great.
Sunday night we ended up doing Family birthday's at Mom's -- Can you say, a lot of Cake and Ice cream-- one bite of cake for me to repent of, so I walked back home to make up for it. We made the boys drive the car home.
Instead of totally beating myself up over my indiscretions, I'm just blogging about them. Life is sweet.
Oh.? What was that? Did you hear that? I think it's the white flour calling me.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I love sitting in the theatre right before the curtain goes up. (I usually pray, "please let this show be good." )
Most of the time I can find something I like about even the most maudlin or amateurish show.
I just love the whole thing.
I love being on stage. I love everything about it. I've been in plays since I was 12 years old. I especially love being the star of the show. Who wouldn't. Being in a play/musical, you have to look the part. To have the lead in most musicals-- you have to be thin. It's just how it works. People need to see you on stage and not say, "why is she...this......or why is she that ....." They just need to feel comfortable with how you were cast. I do this too as an audience member.
My self image is tied up in this Theatre thing. I don't want the chubby mother part or the fat character part, I want the skinny-main part!! As I get older I know this isn't going to work so much-- I can't be 46 and expect to play Maria Van Trapp.
"How do you solve a problem like Melinda?"
So I really should get over it.
But I go to shows, and I hear people talk about the ones onstage. They always mention body size. I don't want the comments about me to be, "She's so good-- but such a heavy ." I want them to say, "So good, and she has 5 kids, she's 46-- man she doesn't look it, she looks great!"
The theatre really is about looks. This has been a struggle between my practical self that says,
" looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts," and my narcissistic self which says "looks are everything."
IN my every day life I really don't put much energy into what people think of me and how I look. I'm okay with running errands in my exercise clothes, and even my swimming suit cover up. No make up, glasses on, hair in a pony...no problem.
I don't buy into the beauty ads and magazine articles of what I " should" look like.
I'm crippled, though, by my interest in the theatre.
This is difficult for me , but something I know I have learn to deal with.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
It is hard to go through there without the occasional nibble, let alone the high calorie munch. It's interesting to note, the typical "try me" lady is a grandma. So sweet, so full of goodness, she couldn't possibly be thinking about sabotaging my diet.
My thought process goes something like this, "I have to try the food before I buy it. What if my children won't like the Scrambled eggs Montego, or the Sundried tomato hummus? What about the Chilli, the Fat Boys, the Ultra Thin crust pizza? One little bite can't hurt me, am I right?"
After I've noshed through aisle after, sometimes, not too tasty aisle. I'm full.
I have been known to have my entire lunch going from one try me table to the next, and sometimes back again. A disguise would definitely help.
I eat it all then usually, order me a diet coke ( I know, bad for me right?) to wash it down on the way out the door.
Well today after filling my gut, the one good thing I did, was get a CAFFEINE free Diet Coke.
Yes, Costco is definitely a danger zone.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I have had a love /hate battle with this beverage for years.
I love that it has the word "diet" in front of it. It makes me feel like at least I'm trying. I order a large supreme pizza and a diet coke. See what I mean. I feel better about the pizza, because of the drink order.
I love the stinging feeling, pouring down my throat when I eat Mexican food.
I love DC with Movie theatre popcorn.....(.argh the popcorn again. It's like my nemesis!)
I'm off it again....or at least trying to be.
I like to tease that I'm so perfect if I didn't drink Diet Coke, I would be translated.
So, after drinking a lot of DC on Wednesday......I was up all night with crazy dreams and a racing heart. 3:30 a.m. my eyes are wide open and wouldn't close again.
I didn't know that 104 ozs. of diet coke would do that to me....but it did.
Who drinks 104ozs of pop a day anyway? I'm worse than an alcoholic. I should probably start my own support group DietCokesAnonymous and come up with my own 12 step program.
I can' t seem to get enough.
The interesting thing is soda pop doesn't go right through me.
I can have a full 32 oz at the movie theatre and get the refill during the movie, and still not be racing to the bathroom at the end of the movie.
I have a bladder of a horse...just ask my friend Kimi-- she's been in the next stall and can attest to this fact.
New Resolution: No diet coke for me.
I know carbonation in general contributes to bone mass decay and helps hold extra weight around the stomach. Get rid of carbonation, get rid of a few extra pounds. It sounds good, but am I willing to nix all diet drinks out of my life? I"ll stick to diet lemonade and fresca....and water for now.
My friend Si gave me a shirt that announces "I'm off Diet Coke," because I always say I am going to be off Diet Coke...but this time , hopefully, I will be for always.
Now what about a Diet Pepsi?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It really is embarrassing!!! I know it's a natural part of the bodily functions but...this function is STINKY!
I try not to let it happen, but I seem to be losing the battle.
The flatulance really comes at the most inappropriate time.
Try being y knowing what your stomach and intestines and body is cooking up.
Try sitting through a school meeting, hoping to be involved in the discussion and having to excuse oneself time and again to deal with this problem.
Try getting a massage-- how do you let one rip in that circumstance?
Try driving your 6 year old in the car and sneaking one off.
My friend Linda gave me a funny book about gas. It's called, "Pee-yew, is that you Bertie?"
It goes and explains all of the ways this family toots and still blames it on the little brother, Bertie-- the silent killer, the machine gun, the popcorn popper. You get the drift. (That's a pun.....get the DRIFT?)
Anyway, since I started having one of these South Beach bars every day, I've never been so gassy . Wayne explained that it's the Malytol in the bars. I don't know what it is, but it doesn't agree with my constitution. I quit eating the bars and Wayne wondered why. I explained the farty situation and he went out and bought me a bottle of Beano.
Beano to the rescue!!! It seems to be working. Before I eat a bar, I pop a Beano-- and , well, I can't say there is no fluffer, but it does seem smaller and not quite so stomach churning.
"Pee-yew is that you Melinda?"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm going to savor every "non diet" bite I take. Even the first one. I'm going to notice myself having it and relish it. ( Relish, now that sounds good on a white hotdog bun and sausage dog from Costco.--- that's a side note food fantasy.)
In the past I would put it in my mouth and eat it really quickly in an effort to hide it from myself. If I ate it really fast, then I didn't really eat it. Right?
Not true. I would eat the one bite really fast, then the next and the next. I didn't pay attention at the time, to the food. But I definitely paid attention a bit later when I was full, but still empty.
This is worthy of my attention......
I'm going to notice what is going into my mouth-- so I won't have so much on my hips and belly to notice later.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I have big, long feet that are extremely wide right before my toes happen. They are odd looking really. Veiny and boney and ed.
I try on shoe after shoe and most of them just hurt.
For most women, shoe shopping is the best kind of shopping to do in skinny body or in chunky, shoes always fit.
I used to wear cute shoes. Now I'm more into comfortable shoes. Can you say CROCS? I know they are ugly clown shoes, but dang, they are comfy.
I'm afraid this same philosophy was moved to some of my past years clothing choices. Comfort is queen. I need the elastic waist band and over size shirt.
I don't want anything to touch or pull. When it touches, the (whisper please) C. H. U. B.
appears and it makes me sad. So I'm all for the comfort and the over sized.....or I was. It's good every once in a while to squeeze into my jeans and see just how far off course I've gone.
Resolution: I've decided my shoe shopping habits can't flow into my clothing shopping any more.
Now I'm obsessing over my other odd shaped body parts. I have really big knuckles on my fingers, and then smaller at the base. I wear 8 rings and they are always spinning around. Heavy or skinny, my rings still spin.
My wrists are really tiny too. If one were to guess my bone structure based on my wrists, I would be petite/small for sure. Most watches have to have extra holes punched in the band so they fit. Then there's my baby belly and my no butt...and...and...and
Okay enough obesessing. I can really get off base when I start picking out my individual parts. I need to remember it's the whole that's the important thing. I think Lucifer is probably happy right about now, because I'm off on my anti-body tangent again. Well I'm not going to stay here. Once again....I am enough . I am a daughter of God. I am okay.
There...I've breathed in and released.
No more shopping for me.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I 've yet to get what I want.
I have other charges involved too-- pay by size of body you have, minus the masseuse not doing what you want, add in the down time of laying and listening to weird music, subtract the weird towel placement as they work around your body.
Celebrating and hoping beyond hope that Ill keep it off this time.
154 pounds looks different on everybody. Our height and body build have a lot to do with the weight we carry.
My friend L. is also around 154 pounds, and is shorter than me by an inch and is happy to stay at this weight and maintain. She recently lost over 30 pounds, and everyone tells her how great she looks, and she does. But at 154 pounds I don't look so great.
We all carry our weight so differently. It's interesting.
Sizes in clothing stores are crazy. One designers 12 is another one's 8. It makes me wonder? Of course I would rather buy the 8-- but knowing it's just like the 12 next door, isn't as much fun for me. And who says, One size fits all.....shouldn't it say, One size fits most?
I don't know?
You can tell I just got done going to TJMAxx and I'm kind of discouraged.
Of course I did find something that fits no matter what....SHOES. I bought a bright orange pair, because I can't have too many of those.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Hmmmm.... it got me thinking how that's not really a bad thing. It's a never ending thing, but not necessarily bad.
I like the exercise pursuit. (I really like it when I have a support group around me, when I can talk and get connected with friends in the morning hours.)
Working on my physical side is a lot like working on my spiritual side.
I don't just have a testimony when I'm 16 and then never think about it or work on it or worry about it again.... It's a constant struggle. It takes vigilance and doing something every day or every week to make sure it stays strong. Read the scriptures, go to church, pray and have family home evening over and over again. It's a life time pursuit.
Sometimes my testimony is strong and sometimes it's weak--just like my body. Some years I can take on the world in walking, biking, running.....eating well. And some years, I am in the trenches, struggling with my body image and my thoughts.
(Currently I'm trenching it)
My spiritual side is tied into my physical side. This marathon task of achieving a body image that is both spiritually good and physically healthy may take a life time. But I believe the the every day-ness of it can be satisfying.
I refuse to give up. I need an attitude of honesty and hope to bring about this mighty change. I need to get out of my indifferent and hopeless state. I need to remember who I am and Whose I am.
So I'll keep on exercising. Power walking the hill with the s and riding the tandem with Wayne, and trying to get my aerobic work out on my treadmill, and lifting weights, and doing sit ups and push ups...and, and , and... it's okay.
30 years are going to go by any way.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wayne dragged me out of bed on Saturday morning, bright and early, so our family could participate in our Stake's Fun Run. It really was a great event. We had runners and walkers, (over 900 people), go from the Stake Center to the Bountiful Temple and back. It was a 5K. I loved it. A beautiful day. A Healthy Activity. Oranges and Wheat Bread at the end of the race.
Perfect.....then I got home.
The boys decided they wanted brownies and ice cream for BREAKFAST!! They did this just to spite me, of course. They went to the grocery store in between the fun run and coming home. Landon and Laila made brownies. A half hour later I had an incredible chocolate smell permeating my house. I couldn't believe it. I felt betrayed. They don't care if I lose weight or not. They keep telling me, "chubby people are funny." I wasn't laughing!
I stayed strong as they ate in front of me and followed me through out the house with their bowls of hot brownie melting ice cream. They love to tease their mom.
Oh, but I'll get them back one day.
I can't wait til they have their own homes, and they are trying to eat healthy. I'll just show up one morning with my own brownie ingredients, and just use their oven to bake it in and then put on the vanilla ice cream. Mmmmmm.
I can just hear the screams now, "Mom, what are you doing?" "Mom this is my kitchen."
If they have children by then, all the better. I can inflict my brownie on my grandkids too.
On this same day, I'll go to their bathroom, use a towel and throw it on the floor, leave the toilet seat up, and not flush the contents; squeeze some toothpaste in their sink and make sure the mirror gets good and splashed on. Then I'll get in their kitchen towel drawer and wipe my hands on all of the contents inside, mess the towels up real good, then just close the drawer.
Oh it will be a beautiful day.
Paybacks will be Sweet!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Three sizes that haunt me.
I have the 14, which in desperation I had to buy because I grew out of my 12's. I have size 12 which is okay and where I live some times, but I'd rather be a 10. And the size 10. I'm not unrealistic enough to insist on an 8, just a 10.
A 10-- doesn't that sound like a positive size?
My 10's just hang there, looking at me, hoping they'll get to be worn out in the daylight again. Knowing that for years in a row, I wore them. They are sick of their dungeon of darkness which is now their home. The 10's are probably jealous of the 12's which are currently in use. I can hear the 12's bragging to all of the other clothes about how "popular" they are. The 14's were never really wanted, so they have a self image problem. The 14's were worn and purchased out of frustration-- they knew their wearer (me) never really loved them.
But the 10's were purchased and worn in happier times. Times of high self esteem, filled with an active life style, so they wonder why they have been rejected for so long.
My friend L. has found the solution to this three size in a closet problem-- she just got rid of all of the stuff that doesn't fit her. She now has about 10 things left in her closet. She's a bit different than me, she can afford to just buy whatever when she isn't fitting anymore. She can buy smaller or bigger. No more clothing "jealousies" in her closet.
I, on the other hand, don't throw my "anything" away....I just keep looking at it and it mocks me. Some days I have enough guts to actually think I can squeeze back into my 10's. It's not a pretty sight. I definitely don't wear them out in public-- but I hope to some day.
So my closet is packed full of out of date size 10's, some in style 12's, and really current-- but least favored 14's. What's a to do?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It truly makes my skin crawl. I don't think I have always been this way. I do remember a time when I loved to cook. But as the kids have grown up and become pickier, this has become a challenge.
The whole concept is kind of weird. I'm supposed to decide what my whole family wants to eat for dinner. What if I make hamburgers and they had that for lunch?
What if I make Mexican and they aren't in the mood?
I wouldn't go into a Restaurant and just have them put food in front of me without me choosing it.
See where I'm going here?
I don't want to be running a short order restaurant, but that's about what it has come down to. It's especially this way when Wayne and I are on a "diet." Wayne gets home from work and will eat a tuna sandwich and be happy. I want to be making the gourmet meal,( or atleast I used to want to), but I know my kids won't eat it....only I will. Wasted food or food on my waist? It's a dilemma
My family eats a lot of frozen food: Pizza, taquitos, chicken nuggets, rice bowls, corn dogs. We keep Costco in business. None of this is what we should be eating or what I want to be eating.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure about dinner time lately. So many polls and studies that prove when a family eats together, no one gets pregnant, or has bad grades, or has "wild" parties.... a bit of dinner together cures all of this?
What's for Dinner?
I know I have to fix my messed up thinking about this.
I'm hoping to have healthy food on hand. The boys don't want to take the time to actually fix anything from scratch, so frozen and microwaveable fits their bill.
I'm trying not to have junkie treats in the house, just fruits and veggies and cheese and meats. YES it will take a bit of fixing time, but in the long run I know it will be worth it.
I've just had 6 hours of uninterrupted "me" time. My "me" time isn't really just about me per se. I am working on my computer, making phone calls, dealing with the laundry, cleaning, running errands, going to lunch, more computer, maybe a meeting or a movie. This is what my day usually consists of, but when it's 4:00, my day becomes everyone's day.
This time of day is difficult for me. It might be easier if I could ease into it a bit, maybe one child home at a time. But when all 5 are vying for my attention and I have to "deal," the pressure makes one, well makes me, want to EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
I'm just as ravenous as the kids at this point. They're eating, I'm eating.....maybe that's why the food is flying. I NEED HELP!
I am trying to learn from this. If I stop myself and breathe, I'm not really hungry at all. The deal is I use food for everything....including making it through this stressful time of day.
I know I need to enjoy the journey. I know my house won't always be filled with homework needs, big bodies and stinky shoes. While I'm on this journey I need to figure out better coping skills.
Running away isn't an option-- although I've thought about it many times , right around 4:00.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Really, she wasn't just losing weight, she was losing the life she had once known.....being married. It's all really sad when I look back on it. I was thinking how lucky she was to lose all of that weight. I was even a bit jealous of her weight success. When I found out the real truth about it, I was ashamed of myself. She didn't need 'congrats on the weight loss" pats; she needed a shoulder to cry on.
But man she lost a lot of weight and was down 3 sizes, just like that.
It's truly unconscious eating. I just put in my mouth whatever is available. Whatever I don't have to prepare. Whatever is fast and tasty. Sometimes not even tasty.
AHA MOMENT: I need to be more aware of my moments. I need to be in tune with what is going on and allow myself to feel and learn from these moments. I need to breathe more and not eat more. I'm going to try and ask myself, "what am I learning right now?" Hopefully the answer won't be.....that I need to eat.
I keep trying to find the one that will keep me all tucked in and will stay all tucked in without me having to be in a body suit. I like the single long shaper top. I've tried the one piece body suit type too. Body suits make it very difficult to make the quick potty stop and I need to make the quick one. I have the bladder of a horse, ask Kimi, but when I have to pee-- I have to get in their and do my business quickly. No time to spend minutes, even seconds struggling to de-shape myself. When nature calls-- it's a fast one.
I struggle with this whole idea. I struggle with getting the thigh/butt shaper over my thighs and butt too. Then just when I get it on, the chub bubbles over the top. My midriff/muffin top is oozing out on to everything else. I guess it has to be squeezed somewhere.
I remember being in Relief Society once, just after Barbara S.told all of us that we all needed to get a girdle/shaper. Laura and I of course, ran out and bought one. Laura was teaching the lesson and right in the middle of it, she pulled out on her elastic shaper and exclaimed to everyone, "I can't breathe!"
It was so funny, but true.
What are we thinking?
What am I thinking?
I just want to find something that keeps my chub from being chubby. Is that too much to ask? I want to be able to sit and stand and walk with out feeling like I'm all tied up in a straight jacket. I want to not have chub bubbling over from my bra line and belly.
OH my word...AARGH!!!
I guess the only real solution is to get rid of my chub the old fashioned way.........surgery.
You know that Carnival we had last weekend? Well the carnival ended but the popcorn machine is still here!!
I looovvve the POPCORN!!!
I know the answer is just stop making it, but I'm not the one doing it. My family, my Wayne, just keep pop, pop, popping it!
Wayne wasn't returning the cotton candy machine or the popcorn machine until a week from Monday ( He's out of town in Columbia-- CIA agent or restuarant guy? Hmmm)
So, we had left overs from Saturday's Carnival and then we popped more on Sunday afternoon and invited friends over to eat it. I ate it too. Finally on Monday afternoon I was determined to get the machine put away. I cleaned out what was left and should have just trashed it all. But I didn't . I can't waste good theatre popcorn. I put it in a big tupperware bowl and sat it on the counter for the kids to eat when they got home from school, like any good mom would. Then, I had Landon help me carry all of the heavy machines and materials and stow it all in the back of my Expedition in the Garage. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind, out of my mouth. That was the plan.
Well that bowl of popcorn called to me....and called to me.... so I just had one, good, totally yellow kernel of beautiful salty popcorn. Then another yellow one. How does my friend, Linda, eat just one kernel at a time? It tastes so much better with a bundle of three. I know, I'll just eat the yellow ones. When they were gone, the white ones had to go too. By the time the kids got home from school and evening rolled around, there wasn't much popcorn left.
I did throw the broken crumbs away and I didn't lick the bowl. (Score bonus points on both of those accounts. )
It's a new day.....and I'm on the Healthy eating track again. So far , so good. Yogurt and Cottage cheese....yum!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I really do have a sense of myself in this universe. I really get that God loves me and knows me and wants me to be happy. I get that there is not a measuring stick in the sky that I'm failing to measure up to. I get all of this. I feel of God's love for me daily. I know that when he considers the lilies of the field, and the sparrows in the sky and all of the world's wondrous creations, he sees me and loves me and counts me as an individual too. He knows me.
I know my husband loves me. Wayne loves me in good health in bad, in rich times and poor, and in thin and heavier times. He really does.
I am enough.....I should be enough.....but....
It's my crazy head that keeps me trapped in my chub. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't like how I feel when I'm out of control eating, when I can't stop.
Anyone who has more than 20 pounds of chub to lose, just doesn't get what I'm so crazed about. They roll their eyes at my blog and say, "You look great."
Why, when there are so many "real" struggles in the world , am I trapped in this one?
Why do I care?
I get all of this.....I just know that after 30 plus years of struggling with this, if I don't try to get this monkey off my back now, I'll be 60 years old and still obsessing about it. So I'm dealing with it now. Straight on. Heads up. I'm going to be fearless and excrutiatingly honest.
At the end of this blog adventure, I'm going to either end up "my version of thin" or else right back where I am now, just more okay with it.
I'm hoping for the first option, but I'll settle for Okay.
"What happened?" He would ask.
"After all, I only ate one."
How come is it so hard to stay out of the chocolate chips?
I have this same problem, once the chocolate chip bag is in my house , it's gone. I solved this no chocolate chips problem, recently, by not just buying the teeny 12 oz. bag, but by buying the 10 pound bag from Costco. Now thems choco chips!!!
One of my down falls is making chocolate chip cookie dough. I totallly have the recipe memorized and can whip up a batch in a matter of minutes. Monson loves the cookie dough and would beg me to make it. Laila loves the cookie dough. We all love the cookie dough!!! I rarely got a chance to turn any dough into more than 8 baked cookies. The dough would do. I would whip this dough up at the drop of a hat. Feeling like I was neglecting my kids....make cookie dough.! Monson had a bad day....make cookie dough!! Sunday afternoon doldrums...cookie dough to the rescue.
It worked for any number of ailments.
A number of ten pound bags of chocolate chips and hundreds of batches of cookie dough later, I have come to the following conclusion.
I use cookie dough in place of love. I think cookie dough will solve my bad mothering moments. Who cares if I just screamed like a maniac, have some cookie dough.
or my subconscious thought process goes something like this.....
Eveything bad is happening right now, I don't want to deal with all that, it's out of my control. I can control the ingredients in this bowl and make cookie dough that tastes good and all my kids will love it. They will love me too.
I think the psychobabble calls this transference.
I'm not saying it's healthy, but atleast I am aware of what I'm doing now.
My only solution to this current problem and my obsession with cookie dough is I don't buy white flour or brown sugar any more. I just don't have it in my house. It's hard to make gravy and I have to use corn starch instead, but it's curbed my cookie dough making, and some of my other baking as well.
I still eat a chocolate chip occasionally.
(Okay, a handful of chocolate chips, you know me. )
Afterall, I have a ten pound bag to eat through. :),
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Laila has been planning this Carnival of Carnivals since February. She had huge plans involving a limo and ferris wheels and parades at one point, and then eventually settled for one hour of fun in our backyard. Yeah. She talked about this Carnival constantly and made signs to hang up around town, coaxed her brothers into printing invites from the computer a number of different times this summer, and cut up reams of papers into small little ticket pieces. We kept scheduling it and then rescheduling it. Laila had to have popcorn and cotton candy for sure, and lots of kids. Laila eventually wrote up a contract for all of "the brothers" and me and Wayne to sign to make sure we wouldn't try and weasle out of it again. We were stuck. Today was the day. All of our planning came into fruition and at the magic hour of 4:00 we had guests galore come into our backyard carnival. It really was fun to watch. Good thing I had lots of help with the brothers, Lindsey, Emilee and Laura B. and Kimi F. Yeah for good friends.
We had different stations to play games at...a ton of fresh popped theatre popcorn, and a cotton candy machine. Wayne had sugar clear up past his elbows as he twirled stick after stick of pink cotton candy. Wayne also gets the award for being super dad of the decade. He let all of the kids throw wet sponges in his face and he performed his Craig the Peg-- the three legged man routine All of the kids were stupified. I also put Wayne in charge of the popcorn machine so I wouldn't be tempted.
I set this all up and tell you all of this so you will understand my eating of this day.
Theatre popcorn, which I love, was right in my back yard!!! So was cotton candy but I'm not a real big fan of melting sugar in my mouth, so I wasn't really tempted by this. Back to the popcorn....oh my word. I've been known to eat an entire tub of popcorn all by myself and then get a refill. Actually I would start out sharing the tub with my friend Kimi, but I knew she would have about 15 kernals and I would get the rest. Fresh popped Theatre Popcorn!!! I knew it would be a difficult afternoon, but I started out with good intentions. I put a stick of gum in my mouth so I wouldn't be tempted. That didn't last very long. Soon I had a gum and popcorn mixture rolling around in my mouth. So much for the gum. Then I limited myself to one baby bag of popcorn. I'll just have one, but one turned into 2, 3, 4, you get the idea. Soon, I was kicking Wayne out of his making popcorn job and I took over. This way I could get the really hot ones. As the guests were leaving I was waving good bye and shoving popcorn in my mouth.
We have popcorn all over the back yard;on the tramp, all over the grass and deck. I can't even let the dog in the back yard for fear she'll eat it and throw up.
My stomach actually hurts. Wayne made us get some "real" food at about 8:00 tonight. Chicken, Shrimp and veggies. I wasn't even hungry , but I thought about all of the popcorn I had eaten and decided I needed something healthy in my body.
The Carnival of Carnivals is over. I wonder if I will ever get over my obsession of freshly popped theatre popcorn. Maybe next years carnival we can have cotton candy and sugar free popsicles. I would do okay with this menu.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Landon's car went up in smoke while driving to work, so I , as any good mother would, dropped all of my scheduled activities for the afternoon and helped him get the car to a mechanic. He was on Foothill Blvd, and when I looked up the closest place to take the car, it was a Midas on 9th East and 2100 south in Salt Lake. So the plan was to fill the radiator with water , then mostly coast down 2100 south to Midas.
All is well. Although, I had just spent a 1/2 hour trying to locate Landon's school and my cell phone wasn't working for this same 1/2 hour-- call failed, network busy-- was the only action I was getting. And......I was only slightly peeved that I was missing Monson's football game and probably Laila's soccer game to help this dear boy.
I checked into Midas and waited for Landon. No Landon. I called his phone-- no answer. Finally he calls me and tells me he turned into Burt Brothers Tires, two blocks earlier, thinking it was Midas and now his car was dead again.
Are you kidding me-- Burt Brothers doesn't even have the letter "m" anywhere in the title. How could this confusion happen? It doesn't even have Midas anywhere on it's sign or building. But the mistake was made and now I was angrily screaming at Landon on the phone for his spelling/reading mistake. He screamed back. It was a touching Mother - Son moment.
So, as I hung up my next thought was I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING-- oh, I longed to EAT SOMETHING. Chocolate cake or a big Cinnabon smothered in icing or a big bag of Doritos...I didn't really care. Just something. It's a good thing I had no cash on me, and Landon was only a block or so away, so I couldn't run into the closest McDonalds and order 3 cookies plus 2 apple pies for 2 bucks. AAAARRRGHHH!!
Anyway, I didn't eat anything. The moment passed. I apologized to Landon and asked for the 2 minutes back. I made it through this crazy moment without so much as a morsel crossing these lips.
Good job on the food front today. Bad job on the mother front.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
That is a good question Melinda-- Why?
I've thought a bit about this now, in between putting the cereal box away and having a huge drink of water to get me out of my eating mode.
Exercise doesn't take all day. Eating is an all day event. It happens every 3 hours. Exercising happens once a day-- usually in the morning , then I don't have to think about it anymore.
Thinking about what I'm eating is important-- especially for the next two months. I need to not allow myself to zone out. I need to stay in the moment with my feelings and be aware of what I'm putting into my mouth. I need to do this, even if it's hard.
I can do hard things......I just wish it was easier.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Wayne of course got me onboard again. He got on the scale and when it tipped 200 pounds, I heard a groan of despair coming from the bathroom, and I knew I would be dragged into losing weight once again.
It's good and it's bad to be married to Wayne. Wayne keeps me on track spiritually, emotionally and financially; that's the good part. But.....when Wayne goes on a diet, I have to go on a diet....that's the bad part. I have to diet whether I'm ready or not.
I argued with Wayne all summer, especially through the month of August, telling him I just wasn't ready. I didn't want to worry about not eating treats at the family reunion, or scones on the 24th of July, or having a huge dinner for my birthday. I didn't want to think about it, while we were on a boat cruise in Portland, or traipsing through the streets of New York.
But Sept. 1st hit and I promised Wayne and myself that I would be ready. So here I go.....
Now for what I'll be eating, today, tomorrow and every day for 2 months. Simple proteins and carbs....yum. Yogurt and cottage cheese ( my mouth just waters as I write it...not) Nuts and an apple, chicken and salad, a protein meal bar....., tuna and wheat toast, eggs...string cheese...and lots of green veggies. I notice there is not a piece of chocolate or a sweet treat on the list.
So that's my lot in life ...I'll eat my bland food and just go to my friend Si's cooking blog to see beautiful pictures of food and read all the great recipes. Maybe that will fill me up.
162 lbs….when did I get to be 162 pounds!!! It just crept up on me. I stepped on the scales on Monday after a summer of not caring about what I ate, and was shocked to read the scale. I knew it would be “bad’, because all of my clothes were tight and I looked chubby in every t-shirt, but still 162 lbs. When was the last time I weighed that? Usually I would be around 155 pounds by just eating and exercising 4 days a week…but that’s just not cutting it any more. Granted the 155 is 15 to 20 pounds over what my ideal weight would be. The weight I maintained for 7 years BL.
The BL stands for “before Laila.” I blame a lot of things on having a baby at 40 . Although she never came out of my body, the baby at 40 was/is a big deal. Not enough energy, not enough rules, not enough me time…it just all changed and eating became my dru g of choice. I really just eat to not have to think. I eat to not have to feel; to not go crazy. The temporary goodness of the chocolate in my mouth, or the scoop, okay, bowl of ice cream sliding down. That replaced the what ever it is I’m missing at the moment, or whatever it is I don’t want to feel at the moment.
Back to 162 pounds. I’ve got to do something about it and do something now. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to worry about my weight. Nor is it the last time, knowing my track record with weight and dieting.
Where did it all begin….and why do I care so much?
I’ve been on a diet or some sort of eating plan since I was 13 years old. I remember making summer plans of what I would eat…diet A&W rootbeer and gum. That was going to get me through. That would work so when I started 9th grade I would be little like all of my friends. It didn’t last for a summer, a month , a week or even a day….but I continually made this goal. Until a snickers bar came my way . I wasn’t the fat chick …but I was the tall girl . The Big one . The one that didn’t really fit in. I would walk by the 5.7.9 store and wish I could buy some clothes in there. ( I don’t think that store is around any more and for good reason.) My best friends at the time Malinda and Kaye were shorter than me. Malinda by not much and Kaye by a lot. Both were sizes smaller than me when it came to clothing. I always felt “BIG.” I tried the grapefruit diet, for a few days. I switched to Fresca and then Tab to get me through my days. All I really wanted was a Rocky Road candy bar from the JR. High snack store.
The funny thing is I was the “thin” one in my family. My older sister Marcie, by 1 year, always had to battle her weight. Still does, although I’ve watched her through the years, come to terms with it. It’s not on the top on her struggle list. She dresses like a million bucks and is a beauty goddess. She handles it like a champ. Anyway, Marcie wanted to be my size and I wanted to be Kaye’s size. You know, the grass is always greener syndrome. I didn’t really dare talk about weight and feeling big around my sister or my mom. They would roll there eyes and it would cause confusion and heart ache that I could even think this way. But I did. Mom would buy clothes for my sister and me to share. Tops mostly. A little small on Marcie a little big on me. I tried not to care.
I remember being in the 10th grade and struggling to fit into high school. Everything I wanted to do and was interested in, my friends couldn’t have cared less about. They cared about dating and boy friends. I was too…..big for that. A new crop of friends had to be found some where. At that time my mom, for my sister Liz , put the family on the Feingold diet. We cut out basically all “white”. No white flour, white sugar, white rice etc…This was in the 70’s. So when we did this there weren’t many options around. Needless to say, the family lost weight…I did too. I remember going into my mom’s bathroom and stepping on the scale and weighing 125 pounds. For a 5’81/2” , that was thin. I was on top of the world. For a few months, I looked like everyone else. I looked like the magazines. ….it didn’t last long. It never did….it never does. Stress is school…trying to be the A student and sing, and dance, and debate and be on the school newspaper, and be the star in the school musical. It was fun…..but stressful. I started going to exercise classes with my mom.
Graduating from High School…I was thin again. Determinedly so. I had my end of year picture taken and I know I was in a size 9 dress. ( I know a size 9 was smaller 30 years ago) I was excited. I almost saved that dress for posterity sake to prove how “little” I was.
I start college and my steady boyfriend, Wayne goes on a mission and leaves me for 2 years. I stress eat my way up to 165 lbs. Nothing to wear. I’m in pain and can’t stand myself. Good thing
Summer of 1982 and I was Binge eating. Sneaking food from Marcie and Gary’s freezer and house.. I couldn’t stop my self. I worked at the
I remember revealing my eating secret to my mom one night as I cried at our kitchen counter. She couldn’t believe my list of the amount of food I had consumed that day. I was out of control. I needed money for food, just like a junkie for drugs or an alcoholic. I joined Nutrisystems. Lots of money. Hated the food. Some results though. Back to Summer stock for Annie Get Your Gun—I weighed around 140 lbs. I felt fat and huge on the stage that summer. So many little bodies to compare me to.
Theate is a hard thing to be in. Auditions and comparisons are always taking place. Am I pretty enough? Do I sing good enough? Do I look the part? Am I what they are looking for? If only I was thinner then I would get the part. All thoughts that cascaded through my head.
Theatre and auditioning makes one full of self loathing, if you let it, and I let it.
Getting married and weighing in at 145 pounds. I wanted to wear my mom’s wedding dress from the 50’s so badly. It was off white with a huge princess tulle skirt on it. I love vintage and this gown spoke to me. Plus, we had no money. Wearing mom’s dress was going to work. I would make it work. I put the gown on, couldn’t zip it up. I took the gown to a seamstress who let out every seam as far as possible. I starved myself for weeks. I was determined to make this work. I weighted in at 140 on my wedding day and was scrunched in my mothers dress. I couldn’t wait to take the dress off. What was I thinking?
I was always worried I would weigh the same as my husband.
When I was pregnant with my 4 boys I topped out at 190 lbs. I ate whatever I wanted. I scarffed down egg rolls and Nut rolls. Ding Dongs and hot wings. I loved it all. I was free to eat and not worry. I did this 4 times, and never really lost the baby fat inbetween. Baby fat turned into toddler fat, which turned into grade school and Jr High Fat. Oh well.
When my youngest son was almost 2, I heard about a carbohydrates-addict diet on the Oprah show. What? I could eat whatever I wanted an hour a day, and then protein all around that? I could handle that. I was determined and I ate according to their plan. My hour of Power—I called it when the calling came to eat. And I ate. I would save up desserts and candy and other food throughout the day, and snarff it all at once during my hour. My stomach never shrunk. For some reason this diet worked for my and by month 4 I was down. I started at 160 pounds, and really got down to around 128. I was little, Size 4 here I come. I toyed with it for a few more months. It worked for me. But I couldn’t eat this way forever. Weight started creeping back on. I exercised like a crazy woman to make up for the fact that my hour of eating now filled 24 hours of eating—with no protein break. I kept it off for 5 years, going between 135 and 140 pounds. It took effort but I could do it.
Body for Life—or just for a few months. Whichever. The year 2000 my
We have a baby at 40—Laila comes and my weight slowly inches up the scale. I wasn’t ready for this new mother thing again. I was up all night. Tired all of the time. Trapped in my home. Making Chocolate chip cookie dough daily and trying to figure out how other mothers handled this. When Laila turned 2 I was up to 172 pounds---help!! I joined Weight Watchers. I had to do something. I didn’t really loved Weight Watchers, but it taught me about my stress eating and gave me points to worry about. It was stressfull just thinking about that. But I did and I went back down to 155 pounds. I do remember trying to go to a meeting, and weigh in. The WW was closed and I was mad. This was the only few minutes I had for this week….I went and pigged out on ice cream from Baskin Robbins. You know the buy one get one. Of course when I ordered it I pretended I was getting it for a friend. “Now, what did she say she wanted again…let me think…” Yeah whatever. I ate it all in the parking lot.
So no life time Weight Watchers membership for me.
South Beach Diet came next. The summer of 2004--- oh yes, I remember it well. I did great for 6 weeks. I was down to 140 pounds wandering through Smith’s and being mad while I looked at all of the food I “couldn’t” have. I was back up to 155 by then end of September.
155 is my magic chub number!!!!!