Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Women, Food and God

I finished reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth and learned a few things.  

Diets don't work because food and weight are the symptoms, not the problems.  

Roth has her own eating guidelines with regards to Intuitive eating...
1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment.  This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distractions.  Distractions include radio, tv, newspapers, books, cell phone, intense anxiety producing conversations or music. 
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat with the  intention of being in full view of others
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure. 

I've posted these guidelines on cupboards around my kitchen...sometimes I don't obey them.  I still just want to open up a cupboard and grab something sweet or salty.  I did have a moment today where I felt so anxious and stopped myself from eating.  I just recognized the feeling and was mindful of what I was doing and didn't go to food to numb it.  I walked out of the room instead.  I was proud of myself.  Not so proud when I say, Oh well, and just eat the food.    Need to work on not looking at these moments with judgment but just ask myself what's going one?  Look at myself more clinically.

IF love could speak to you about food it would say, "Eat when you are hungry, sweetheart, because if you don't you won't enjoy the food and why should you do anything you don't enjoy? 

IF love could speak to you it would say, "Eat what your body wants darling, otherwise you won't feel so well and why should you walk around feeling tired and depressed from what you put into your mouth?"

IF love could speak to you my little creampuff, it would say, "Stop eating when you've had enough otherwise you will be uncomfortable and why spend one minute in discomfort?"

This is a slow process but one I am committed to.

The truth is that you either throw the food out or you throw  in in but either way it turns to waste. 

I want to work on making my day more appealing than cookies.... this is the goal.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Dear Body....

Dear Body,
You have been my constant companion for almost 55 years.   You have always been there for me...through good times and bad.  You have stayed reasonably healthy and able to move and grow.
You have birthed four babies and have the stretch marks and pouchy stomach  to show for it.
You get in a swim suit every summer without complaint.
I like the way your hands and feet look like my momma Sheri's.
I like the way we bike and play pickle ball and exercise together.
Walking with you is especially nice outside in the fresh air, talking to friends ( Si, Kathleen)
I  love your skinny ankles and shapely calves.  I  love your green eyes and when you smile with your whole face.
You are the eyes, ears, mouth and nose for me.    Thanks for the sights, the sounds, the tastes and smells over the years.
I'm embracing the wrinkles and sunspots on your face...    I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you in my younger years with sunscreen etc...  I'm not as happy about your line-y lips.
I want you to stay healthy -- no dying of cancer like Mom and Marcie.
I just want you to feel good and and I don't want to punish you because my "head" can't get it together.
Sincerely, Melinda

Dear Melinda,
I'm grateful for the opportunity to carry and deliver four healthy baby boys.  Some bodies don't get this privilege.    I'm good  with stretch marks and pouchy stomach as a result.  I wear them as badges of honor.
I'm grateful to be able to move and do all of the things you like to do: bike, Pickle ball, walk, swim.  I't's great to be able to do this and not be chair bound as we grow older.  Let's get that toe better!!
But Melinda.....I'm tired of all the dieting.  The lose 25 pounds gain 25 pound see-saw that you keep putting me through has got to stop.  Why do you keep doing this?  It's been a real strain on my skin and organs.
I'm determined to be strong and healthy but I need your help.  Better nourishment, more self care and less over eating would help.
I know your  "head" gets in the way  and emotional eating is how you think we need to survive but you dieting and then bingeing will not solve anything.  It won't stop the pain.  It will numb the feelings for a bit, but it never lasts.
 I've got eyes, ears, mouth and nose for you to experience all of life with.
Let's slow down a bit and relish the time we have together.  No more obsessing about how much I weigh or my  size.  We are just happy to be alive.
I'm here for you and will be til death do us part.


Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The Binge

My yo- yo dieting...binge and restricting days are over... but I'm still wondering and working on the binge.   Binge eating isn't about the food or the binge...it's a symptom of a bigger issue.    It's "no thinking" eating.... it's stuffing down feelings.  It's a reaction to a deprivation or a restriction and that doesn't just mean with  food.  The deprivation or restriction could be any part of a life-- family, career, hobbies...... and then binge eating is the response.

I've learned that a Binge is a good time to check in on what's really happening.  Look at the binge with curiosity and not with judgment.   Why eating?  What's going on?  It's holding on to my body with compassion and realizing it's part of human experience... and treating my self with more kindness.

I'm really looking into and figuring out Self Care.... taking that walk, or bubble bath.  reading, Journaling or blogging.  Connecting with friends and reaching out... Planning a get away...instead of bingeing.    All self care.

I'm going to Yoga tonight for the first time in  a decade. Getting in tune with my body is going to be a good thing.

Laila and tumbling...and my toe

 Laila continues to do really well in her tumbling competitions.  She took 1st in floor again on Saturday.  ( She took 1st in her 1st meet)  She has such power and good speed and 'kick out".  We don't really know what we are looking at when she tumbles, but that's what her couch tells us.  We have State and Regionals left for the year.

My Toe is doing better.  I'm 11 weeks out of surgery....and still trying to figure out what shoes to wear and not to do too much activity as I'm still swelling and healing.  

Happy 34th Anniversary.

It's easy to be married for 34 years if you pick the "right" person in the first place.  What makes the right person?  Some one that you can grow in love with.  Someone that changes and allows you to change as well. Someone who puts family and God first and everything else falls into line.  Someone who is loyal and lovable....that's My Wayne.

I love this guy.. He is my BOYFRIEND.... I have 6   ( My dad, Wayne, Addison, Landon, Truman and Monson) boyfriends...but he's my first and my forever!

Wayne is the Peanut butter to my Chocolate and the  Rock to my Roll.
We sat at lunch today and looked back at the last 34 years reminisced about the children we created, raised and launched...and the one that is still helping us to hone our parenting skills a bit better.
We have buried three parents...one sibling
We have sent out three missionaries  and have had three marriages .
We have 4 ( 1/2) grandchildren-- really such a joyful part of making it to this age.

We have lived in three places... an apartment in Bountiful, a home in West Bountiful, then back  to a home in Bountiful for the last 26 1/2 years.
We counted up 16 cars and 4 motorcycles we have purchased and driven or rode on.

We have travelled all over the USA and to Mexico, England, Scotland, Germany, China, Thailand, Canada, India, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico,  and taken 5 cruises.
We have tandem bicycled, motorcycled, bicycled and scuba dived together.
We were in musicals together as a family...Fiddler on the Roof and The King and I..... and as a couple...My Fair Lady and Guys and Dolls.
We have vacationed at Bear Lake EVERY year since we were 16 together... Except for the two years of Argentina mission.

It's good to take a peak back, but even better to focus on the now and look to the future.  I'm so grateful to have my Wayne.  Hitching my star to his wagon was one of the best decisions I ever made!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Self Compassion

I've been reading a lot lately from a book called Self Compassion that I really like.
It's about giving our selves a break...  It actually has studies that show having or learning Self Compassion would serve us all more than having High Self Esteem.   It's fascinating to think about , but it really rings true.

To cultivate self compassion we need three things...
1. more kindness toward ourselves
2.  understanding that we are all here sharing a human experience.
3. Mindfulness... taking the "moment" to assess what's happening.

I can see how this would help in so many ways....

Giving yourself a literal hug...with arms folded across body actually helps....and stating a mantra as you are going through the "emotion" whatever it is:

This is a moment of Struggle
Struggles are part of the human experience
I will be kind to my self in this moment
I will show my self the compassion it deserves.

I'm in a journey of self discovery and I feel I am being directed to what I need to read and think about and incorporate into my life.   

Thursday, March 16, 2017

not about perfection

This intuitive eating is a journey....  It's not about perfection.
It's about...
Having more fun
Using intuitive eating
Attending to relationships..

I'm all about trying to do this, then I have a "bad" day... and my new improved mentality is forgotten....
But these are the moments that can clue me in to what is really happening if I stop and listen and assess.
What a I really hungering for?
What is missing from my life that I'm using food to replace?
What do I need to bring into my life to be fulfilled.

If I can discover the WHY and the WHAT I can get an idea about emotional eating.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Day 6 and still learning

 It's PI day today ...3.14   so of course I began my day with homemade raspberry pie from SI.  It was delicious....and ended it with a Marie Callendar's rhubarb pie from Laura.  Pi day  is like a National Holiday to me.
I'm on Day 6 of wrapping my head around intuitive eating.  I do good...then not so good.  I think, yes eat with out distractions.  Sit down and put it on a plate and really enjoy my food..but then I stand and eat from the pie tin as quickly as I can.
There's so much changing to and processing.... once again, journey not a destination.

I'm trying not to be in the "I need to FIX my life "mode and turn to the "I am CREATING a new life" mode.
Fixing has a negative feel to it.  It's about reacting to life.
Creating has great energy in it...it's about designing what I want life to be.

What am I currently trying to fix?
my weight
my kids
my house
my job
my attitude

What would I rather CREATE instead?
a beautiful, warm accessible home with lots of room for guests and many gatherings
a caring, trusting, loving relationship with my children
a place for growth and creativity in my career...
a life filled with friends and hobbies; travel and adventure....
no worries about weight...throw the scale away ...and no more diets

Monday, March 13, 2017

Sad and eating

Today I found out a theatre friend of mine, Jenessa Bowen died.  It's  a mystery really, but she was really in a sad place lately with panic attacks and mixing alcohol and drugs.  Her brother found her in their apartment. I'm so sad.....Really devastated   Addison and Bre went to WSU with her and she was Annie when I played Miss Hannigan 14 years ago at Rogers Memorial theatre.  It says a lot when 80% of my facebook feed is filled with tributes to this one of a kind, spunky, bright, tortured light of a person.    I'm filled with emotion that I'm tired of "sitting" with so I turn to food.  I've eaten too much today and I''m back into my guilt and shame spiral.  I need to just allow this comforting, sad-day-food to happen without judgment, or I need to find other ways to "be" with my emotions and work on better self care.

I'm so new at this intuitive eating, that  my immediate knee jerk response to this sadness has been cookies, popcorn, brownie...anything sweet

I really believe the way through emotional eating is doing my inside work and understanding the emotion, then trying to care for myself in more productive ways instead.    There is so much for me to learn and digest and put into action in my life.  I have to remember it's a journey and not a destination.

Intuitive Eating

I just finished reading the book Intuitive Eating by E. Tribole and E. Resch.
This is how I want to be from now on.... I know it's a journey, but one I'm ready to begin.
It has 10 principles to live by:
1. Reject the diet mentality
2. Honor your Hunger
3. Make Peace with Food
4. Challenge the Food Police
5. Feel Your Fullness
6.  Discover the Satisfaction Factor
7. Cope with Your Emotions without Using Food
8. Respect Your Body
9. Exercise -- Feel the difference
10. Honor your Health with Gentle Nutrition

I have given myself unconditional permission to Eat...and permission never to step on a scale again!

"The Japanese have the wisdom to keep pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living. In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence - the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content.  By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had enough."

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Getting in tune with my body

I had rhubarb pie for breakfast.
 It was calling me and I knew I had to have it before it was eaten by someone else in the house.... Wayne.   That's how my selfish mind works around food.
I love rhubarb pie...but having it with out anything else on my stomach made me not feel good.... like there's rock in my gut and I'm  getting a sugar headache.
oops...I did it again.
Here I go....but...
This is a step in the right direction.  Instead of beating myself up, i'm going to step back and be a neutral observer of this action.
I have always complained that I don't know my body.  I don't know what food affects me.  BUT... I'm going to start.  I'm going to pay attention when and what I eat..not for any other reason but to see what different foods do to my body.  How they make me feel. Do I get a headache.  How does my gut feel after eating protein, or salad or sugar...etc...  It's time to begin this relationship.
I want to be in tune with my body and be more loving and kind to her.
I know this will take patience and slowing down and waiting, all things that up to this point I have not been good at.
I'm feeling blessed to have more time on this earth to figure this out...

So I've adopted the   - eat when hungry-take a few breaths before the meal begins -Sit down and enjoy the food - stop int he middle and do a hunger/full check...then if satisfied...be done -Take the last bite, and push my plate away not worrying about the "wasteful" factor - mentality.  It's a checklist that doesn't come easily, but it's doable.

This is huge...I've been doing this for only 2 days, but already I'm feeling better and free around food.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I am ready to make peace with food

Why am I back to square one again when it comes to weight and body issues?
I  need to do some internal investigating...and get my head in a better place.
I'm tired of the diet and binge cycle I've been doing for 40 years.
I want to be a good example for daughter Laila of healthy eating
I want to get good/bad food idea out of my head
I want to feel good inside my body and treat body more like a friend, not ignore it.
I need to enjoy life more.
I want to nurture myself ...really become a HAPPY person inside and out.

 I was so ready to do this after mom and Marcie's deaths.... they both struggled with weight and it stopped them from getting the most out of life.  They both were on diets right up until their last days...what's up with that? When they passed,  I said to myself, no more dieting, but I didn't know what else to do.  I got in the eat whatever I wanted part...gained a lot of weight, but I never worked on the inner me/self part.  Food was a privilege and a punishment.  I still felt shame and guilt around eating.   I didn't know how to work through my emotional eating and I didn't know ways to begin eating intuitively.

It takes courage to examine a life, my life.  Why do I keep turning to food when I'm not hungry?  What need is it filling?  Why can't I just sit in my emotion, boredom, anxiety, loneliness, etc...and really feel the, and let them pass through me.  They always pass, just like clouds in the sky.

I'm going to start a gratitude practice ...breathing, and stating what I'm grateful for from the simple to the sublime.  Then stating intentions... I love my life... I love my body... I love my family... then moving into manifestations -"I Am" statements of  what I want to see, be, feel  in the future...  I am going to do this for 10 minutes every day.  I know it will make a difference in me and how I view my world.

Hello...it's me....hating my body again.

So.... I ate an entire 1/2 gallon of Moose Tracks ice cream in 24 hours...basically in two sittings.  I can't believe I ate the whole thing...and what the crap?!?  I am so tired of being on this diet and  then binge roller coaster that I've been on for 40 years!  I want to jump off....
I have got to do something and it's not another diet...
Diets aren't sustainable.  Sure I can eat medifast and lose 25 pounds, but as soon as I go off  then all the weight comes back.... OR I can do the million other diets I've tried since I was 15 years old.   I blame my mom for this diet mentality.  Mom was never at peace with her weight.  She was always on a diet..most always heavy and not happy about it... For a woman who had it so together in every other aspect of her life...such a good friend a good disciple an amazing mother, sister, wife etc...she sure didn't have her act together around food.   She passed this on to me.
I need to make peace with food and not have it control me.
I'm ready to  really do some inside work and get a healthy relationship with food.
I know I'm an emotional eater.  
I know I eat to stuff my feelings down.  I eat because I'm bored.  I eat because I feel inadequate.  I eat because I'm lonely.  I eat because I'm anxious.  I hear something about our world, or a friend or family member that doesn't sit quite right and immediately stand up , go to the kitchen and raid the pantry.  I am a secret eater too.... standing and stuffing cookies in my mouth as fast as I can so Wayne won't see me.  I feel shame around it.
I know I eat for companionship or when i'm bored.  It seems that all the feelings I don't want to feel can be made better with food.  

Instead of turning to food I need to be turning to people.  That's hard.  It kind of feels whiney and like something is wrong with me.  But something is wrong with me.  I need to text or call and say...I'm bored or I'm anxious and this is why, then talk it through instead of eating it through.

I've been reading a lot about intuitive eating.  This is actually how Bre eats.  She has always had a healthy relationship with food , eating whatever sounds good, but always eating slow and really enjoying every bite.  She stops before she is full and actually doesn't enjoy the "full' feeling that i'm so used to.  She eats  all day, here and there and  only eats really "good" food-- meaning not just a cheap hostess donut but a really good bakery donut.  Not just a nondescript candy bar, but a candy bar she really wants.   Bre can have candy in her purse for days and she doesn't think about it, or worry about it or focus on it...it just is.  I do all of the thinking, worrying and focusing for her.

There is so much to be done, but in my reading and diving into the WHY of emotional eating I know I need to do better at self care-- doing things that fill me up so I don't have to fill up with food.

I'm doing a 14 days challenge of self care ... and I'm going to hold myself accountable on this blog.
Day 1...take a long slow bath.  Did it.  Felt amazing.  Felt relaxed and ready for bed.  The sweet bubble bath that Truman brought me from Paris has an awesome scent.