Be a REAL, Human Parent

 Our culture teaches us that what makes a good parent is we are perfect.   We think we have to be better than our children  and present a shiny version of ourselves to our children.  

We don't share mess ups in our past, but we should share-  completely honest, vulnerable and open- that's the key to good parenting.

Instead we show up as a parent who has no fear, no anger, no problems, no mess ups, no shame, no sorrows, no regrets.  

We do this thinking that somehow this will protect them.

We show this non-human version of ourselves to our children who are human.  We hide all of our stuff so we give them no model of what  child/teenage human looks like.  We don't let them see all of our mistakes thinking that somehow  if they know we stole from a store,  tried drugs or alcohol, lied, looked at porn, cheated at school or messed around with a boy that will give them permission to also do it.  

They can/will do it any way whether we did it or not..it's called being human. 

I did some of those things and I didn't learn it from my parents, but I sure did hide it from them.

A better plan would be sharing all of this (age appropriate of course) and also teaching the gift of the atonement and repentance.   And how God knows all of who we are and loves us anyway.  

When we hide ourselves we might make our kids think, "my mom is perfect", but then they feel less about themselves, because they know they aren't perfect -they are fully human.  

We are so afraid of our kids own humanness that we pretend our kids are not going to have fear or anger or problems or mess ups or shame or anxiety or regret.  But they do and we need to love on them around and through this.   Instead we try to fix them quickly because maybe we will appear as less of a perfect mother.  Their mess ups expose our own uncomfortableness with our own humanness.  

It's really all upside down and backwards.

My one mom regret is I didn't pattern this better for my own children.  That I didn't tell them about human Melinda in grade school, in Jr high with friend drama, in High School issues... in College searching for who I wanted to be.    That we didn't talk about it more and just feel the feelings.  That I didn't present repentance in a turning back to God positive light. Instead they digested you really messed up -- something is wrong with you and only you....hide it. Repentance is scary.  

I'm better as a young adult mom.  I can talk about all the things... but starting earlier would have been healthier for all of us. 

Empty nesters

We are officially empty nesters.  We just moved Laila and her dog to Oceanside, California.  We packed all week. Got a u-haul on Thursday, loaded it up with furniture from Landon and Alex’s, Add and Bre’s and Truman’s homes plus her two rooms full of stuff here and loaded up my car and Laila’s car and all 3 of us ( Wayne in Uhaul) caravanned down to California  all day on Friday. 

As we were getting in our cars ready to leave, Laila took one last look at her childhood home and started crying, I started crying, Wayne started crying and we stood in the driveway at 7 am in a giant group hug.  Laila has been so appreciative of everything. We have received more than thank you's and hugs in the past three days than we did in the past 3 months.

How did she grow up so fast? I will always love hugging her and kissing the top of her head. 

Jet traveled in style.

Markus got a great apartment for them in a big apartment complex- Sunterra.   Their apartment is on the edge so the balcony looks out to sunsets , trees, a park and a dog walk.  Perfect for their new little family.  We had help from 4 Marines  in the unloading process, which was great since the apartment is up 30 steps. I didn’t have to lift a finger.   We took them all out to dinner at Denny’s for “thanks”, then slept in Laila’s second bedroom with a mattress on the floor. 

We went shopping on Saturday for food to fill the kitchen, then Sushi lunch and we were off. 

More tears and hugs to say goodbye, then I told Markus and Laila to go out on the balcony to give us a Scottish sendoff and  as I was crossing the street with all of my stuff, I  tripped and did a spread eagle right in the road.  Yikes.  Wayne came running, Markus came running and Laila just tried to hide from embarrassment.  It felt like a fitting goodbye.  (Then I had to pretend like I was okay and just get in the car and drive away before more tears.)   

They will have to figure out cooking, and what goes where in the apartment, and the dog schedule and finding a job and all the things…and that’s how it should be.  We are still all planning and looking forward to the big wedding in September.  

We walked into our now empty home with no dog to greet us and no Laila and more tears.  IT just really hit me that Wayne and I are the new normal.  After almost 36 years we are back to just the two of us.  Good thing we like each other.

We celebrated our 39th anniversary.

No more spiritual permission.

I believe in the church. I know we only have a small portion of the truth right now. I hope we get more truth and clarity as time goes on. I’ve made space for the possibility that our human leaders still have things to learn, and that the Lord loves all of his children, and understands their hearts. 

There’s a huge percentage of people who are not in the church. I believe HIS plan is to help ALL of them reach their maximum potential, as would be my intent if I were in that position. I’ve decided by staying in the faith I love, I can help others come to understand and be more sensitive to the LGBTQ community. So yeah, I have pain from things said at church, but I cling to my faith in the Lord and the answers I’ve received so far. And I try to have grace for everyone, wherever they are on their journey.

I believe that there are things beyond my understanding or things that have not yet been revealed, otherwise I would be unable to continue to believe in a Heavenly Father or believe in the gospel, because I believe in a God of love.

For me, staying in the LDS church doesn’t mean thinking my  LGBTQ child/ sister  is flawed, condemned to second class citizenship in heaven, or awaiting celestial conversion therapy. It means believing God is bigger and more perfect than I understood before, and that our understanding here on earth is imperfect and flawed. Staying, for me, means having hope that as we pray and work for further light, we’ll progress as a church body toward full inclusion.

I’ve stopped asking spiritual permission, I think what I want, I picture who I want when I pray, etc. It took a long time to get here, but here I am.  And it is very freeing!

I decided several years ago if I were going to stay in the Church I needed to stop listening so much to external authority. I have zero control of what comes out of Salt Lake,  (2015 policy) the good and bad alike, but I do have control over myself.   

I can believe anything I want.  

I choose to believe that God loves me and mine.  That I can turn so much heart ache and unanswered questions over to Christ and he comforts me. 

 

I believe the atonement is real and is not plan B but The plan- to mess up, experience life etc… repent and try again to be more Christlike the next time.   I want all of my people to know  this and experience it. My mom regret is I didn't pattern this good enough for my kids.  That I didn't share my teenage mess ups and fix ups.     I just wanted my kids to experience shiny perfect Melinda.

I believe in the priesthood power of God and I believe as a covenant keeping woman that I hold it just as much as Wayne does.  

I believe that people are basically good and doing the best they can, and if they knew better, they would do better— I give this same grace to my  kids, politicians and my Church leaders. 

  

I believe the Book of Mormon is true scripture and I read it every day.  It helps me come closer to Jesus- especially 3rd Nephi.

I believe that being in church and in community is spiritually healthy for me.  I'm okay hearing from other people who don't believe like I do and just being curious and compassionate, and I hope others would extend to me this same gesture. 

I believe that I have to take care of me- my thoughts- my relationship with God. When you move into those I don’t know spaces that’s when personal revelation and a relationship with God kicks in. 

I believe I can pray how ever I want.... all day long prayer in my heart, laying in bed counting my blessings as I drift off to sleep, formal kneeling down prayers, one word prayers like Help, Thanks,Wow-- they all work. 

I have taken back my worship on Sunday…. If I want to believe in a Heavenly Mother- which I do - and talk about her, no one can stop me.  This is my heavenly career plan after all.  

Taking my worship back also means seeking much more personal revelation. Deciding what feels right— where the good fruit is of this policy or doctrine.  I don't have to be EXACTLY like everyone else.  

I’m okay with all of this.  It makes going to church on Sunday something I actually look forward to.  

Claim my faith

In 2019 Every little thing bothered me about my church. Now I’ve developed a new way of seeing all the church people. 

They are just people - all of them, including leaders at every level.   I have high hopes, and low expectations.  People are doing the best they can and sometimes their best seems pretty terrible.  It’s called being human. 

I don’t like the celebrity status we as a culture have imbued our leaders with. It feels priest crafty to me and that’s not on them… that’s on us.  

I claim my status as an adult, a peer, equal in value, equal in intelligence, and equal in ability to receive revelation. We are all 100% children of GOD.  People are not more so because of their church calling.  

God is not LDS..  God is God and loves ALL their children.

I don’t attend church out of duty or a desire to please anyone any more. I’m there to support others in my faith community. I seek “the one” each week who needs a smile, or a hug, or a listening ear. I see everyone as a disciple of Christ doing their best to love God and love their neighbor. 

I overlook a LOT. I say “fascinating” a LOT. 

I want to teach and help others see the LGBTQ community in a loving non threatening way.  There is no LGBTQ agenda. It is nice that my rainbow kids are 33 and 31 and don’t attend church, so I don’t have to deal with protecting their hearts while I navigate my own relationship with weekly church. ♥️

I like being a believer!

Laila is more than a Welch

How do we help these diverse-race kids that are adopted into white families?    

The reality is ... It’s really hard to be the black/brown kid in a white family.  There’s a level of loneliness I can’t relate to.  

There are stories and experiences and history that need to be passed down that I don’t have to share with her.  She is a a Welch AND she is more.!! 

As a family we must stop thinking of ourselves as her only family.  Laila needs role models etc… that look like her.  ( J Lo, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotamayor, ) She needs to hear the messaging that nothing is inferior.  Your culture is beautiful.  

I Need to be a better cheerleader of my child’s culture for her. 

On the plus side, I am so grateful we had brown and black cousins for Laila.  Grateful for the Morleys and Callisters who let Laila just hang out with them. 

It's a miracle we all got through this.

We are in the process of finding Laila's birth momma-- and it will be an experience for all of us.  She's hoping to have her here for the wedding in September.  That would be a miracle.

Staying grounded through all of this is the miracle...

"People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle."

-Thich Nhat Hanh-

Wishes for my Laila

If I could give Laila 3 things, it would be the confidence to always know her self-worth, the strength to chase her dreams and the ability to know how deeply loved she is.

Laila is planning to leave my home.  I hope she learned what she needed to under my roof. 

 

I hope she will continue to have the confidence to be totally Laila and know she is an amazing daughter of Heavenly parents and her worth is set.   She has checked out of her spiritual life for a while,  but I hope she circles back to it as she becomes a wife and mother.  I love having a relationship with God and I want that for her.  It helps me to be more expansive in my thinking and inclusive in my loving as I follow Jesus.  Laila is strong.  I don't want her comparing herself to some weird cultural norm.  She has a strong body and a strong personality and I want her to just own all of that.

I hope she doesn't play small.  That she identifies big dreams and goes for them...it's in the trying and succeeding or failing that she will learn so much about her self.  IT's always worth it even when it feels so uncomfortable and hard.

I hope she knows how deeply loved she is and that Wayne and I will always be here for her , cheering her on and wanting the very best that life has for her...all the while knowing that life is 50/50 and she will have all of the highs and lows that go along with it.   I feel honored to have had her in my home for the past 20 years.  What a gift!