Love - Choose it for you!

Love is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves.

I was on the elliptical at the gym the other morning and I started looking around at all of the strangers joining me in exercise.  My SI-friend who is my work out buddy and a food-goddess was sick and couldn't meet me there, but going along with my goal of keeping promises to myself, I went alone.  I was sort of catching Good Morning America on the tv screens and kind of getting worked up about a news story when I stopped myself and did some thought work instead.  I didn't want to feel discouraged about the housing market, or dismayed about a government shut down, so instead, I started looking around the gym at my fellow strangers . I went from the old guy on the bike to the buff guy on the stair master, to the 3 middle aged women on the treadmill and the one college age girl a little ways down from me on an elliptical.  I went from one face to the next just feeling love for them.  I thought  about how awesome they are to put their health first and to take the time to work out and move their God-given bodies.  I thought about the people at home waiting for them, or the jobs they would go to next and the people they would serve there. I thought about how we are all children of God just doing our best  and I was just awash with all sorts of gooey, soft feelings of LOVE!

Love
It's an emotion
It's created by thoughts
My own thoughts.
And when I think loving thoughts I get to feel love.

The object of my love doesn't feel it. The fellow VASA-ites weren't even aware that I was gushing all over them in my mind.  My Love didn't jump out of my  body into theirs.

These exercisers will only feel love if they think loving thoughts also.

This concept is huge for me.  No wonder in the scriptures Jesus is always preaching about unconditional Love-- it's because the guy on the street or my neighbor that I'm having unconditional love for doesn't feel it, I do, AND my loving thoughts and feelings may make me act in a more generous and kind way which just makes the world BETTER!  When he teaches the higher law of loving your enemy--it's for US!  Why go around feeling hate for your enemy?  Your enemy doesn't get to feel this hate only you do.

Sometimes I might be tempted to with-hold love in order to punish someone.
BUT.....It will never punish them.  It will only punish me, because I'll be denying myself love.

They won't feel my hurt or resentment or anger.  They will have their own thoughts  that create hurt, resentment and anger.

 So when I'm upset with a child, sibling, friend, Donald Trump or Wayne and I'm feeling angry or jealous or disappointed or hateful, guess what?  I'm the only one that gets to feel it, and it's exhausting.  The people I'm feeling all of this about and having thoughts over don't ever feel it!

Thought work is really important.  It's important to remember I am not my Thoughts.  I am the thinker of my thoughts.   So I'm choosing thoughts that generate LOVE

Love is the best feeling on the planet.

Choose it every time.

_______________________
Celebrated sister Angela and  Wanee's birthdays this past week.  I love them both FIERCELY

No more Bucket Lists

If I asked you what your plans are for the future- do you know?  Many of us would have no idea.

If your thoughts aren't about a bigger, more exciting, unpredictable future then you are stuck in the past. The Past is memory-- that's it, not evidence of what you can and can't do. Your next 50 years could be the most innovative and creative ones, in fact there is tremendous opportunity for growth if we will allow those future thoughts to flow.

One way to think about the future and goals is with lists of stuff we want to do. In the past we were busy making bucket lists, but bucket lists have the connotation of I gotta get all of these things done before I die. What about a life list - things we are going to get done to feel alive, because we are alive, because we want to live?!?

So my future life list looks something like this:
1.Always have a current passport and be ready for EVERY adventure
2.Travel to NYC with cousins
3.Have a million dollars in my bank account
4.Go to Israel
5.Go to Machu Pichu
6.Sing an ABBA song with my sisters in full ABBA Costumes
7.Be on stage in a show at least one time a year
8.Become a life coach and help many people
9.Disney Cruise with family
10.Own a cabin on a lake
11.Get eye surgery- Lasik
12.Read ALL the books
13.Put on retreats for women
14.Dive off the Great Barrier reef
15.Travel and serve in India with Rising Star
16.Go to Cannon Beach
17.Travel in a motorhome with my kids
18.Take Grandkids on a one on one trip when they hit 8 (or 11)
19.Write a book(s)
20.Write Children's books
21.Become a motivational speaker
22.Mentor people
23.Guest on podcasts
24.Give a Ted talk
25.Meet Brooke Castillo and Jody Moore
26.Mission with Wayne
27.Cross Country Road trip (3 weeks)
28.Visit Terry and Cyrrena while on their mission in the Phillipines
29.Do Art retreat with artist Flora Bowley
30.Meditation practice


The rule with a life list is you can keep adding to it, but you can't take anything off of it; just keep putting it out there and working toward it. Speak it to the universe and get ready for the adventure of life!!

Future Focus

When I was a kid I remember a book by the side of the toilet.  It was in the basket with the Readers Digest and Good Housekeeping  magazines that were available for those moving experiences that only happen in the bathroom.  Something to pick up, read and relax with so your bowels would get a move on. This book was called “Winning the Age Game” written by Gloria Heidi, a Hollywood insider who had the scoop on how to dress younger,  put your make- up on so you would look younger, what hairstyle worked for “youthening”, and topics to speak on that keep you “in the game.” It was, in one of my favorite words, “Fascinating.” My mom liked it so much that she gave one to me when I got married, and I immediately passed that on to the goodwill thinking how old fashioned and superficial all of these ideas were.

Winning the age game doesn’t happen on the outside.  It’s not all about youthful hair, makeup, clothes, and language.  It happens from the inside. Our circumstances are we are getting older.  The good news is every time I have a birthday, so does everyone else on this earth, and when I stop having birthdays that’s okay too.  

In our youth focused society it can feel like grasping at straws  to stay young. Trying the next rejuvenating lotion that promises less wrinkles and skin that bounces back like a baby, the next diet or juice cleanse  that will keep you alive longer, the next facial peel, or lip injection to bring us back to how we thought we looked in our twenties? Really?

This is nothing new.  We’ve heard all of this before.   But I digress…. Our circumstances are we are all getting older.  This is neutral. This is not said or experienced with anything but neutrality.  It only becomes whatever it becomes because of the thoughts you are having around it. Your negative or positive thoughts around aging.  

When I look back 30 years, I was 26 years old.  Pregnant with my second child. Permed hair to match the big hair of the 80’s and big shoulder pads to go along with it.  Wayne and I were in our first home figuring out work and putting a yard in. Finding people “just like us” to go on date nights with and play games with, raise our kids with.  At 26 I pretty much knew how to raise everyone’s teenagers and how to solve all of the parenting problems and the world problems I could see around me. This was the age I began to see my own parents as adults with passions and pursuits of their own.  There was no cell phones or internet or any of that technology yet. Just a simple Atari game and a computer that took up a lot of desk space and boasted a 40 mb hard drive. It was pretty much a glorified typewriter with a small memory. At 26 I began singing with my sisters and Mom as the Cole Collection.  We would put on shows for office parties, summer parties, Christmas parties...family gatherings. We loved singing in three part harmony and enjoying our sound and the time spent together.

At 26 I never dreamed what the next thirty years had in store.  I couldn’t have known we would end up with four sons and eventually adopt a baby girl when Wayne and I turned 40 to complete our family.  I didn’t know I would rely on drugs to get me through depression. I couldn’t have seen the quick deaths of my mom, dad and Marcie all with in two years and the subsequent hole that was left in our family.  At 26 I didn’t know we would eventually move into our second home and then live here for the next 28 years. I couldn’t count all of the dogs we would love ( sometimes only tolerate) and lose. I didn’t know that two of my sons would come out as gay and the journey that would be in my faith and in the LGBTQ community.  I didn’t know what exotic trips we would take; how work would go for Wayne; if I would teach again at Bountiful High School or teach online; what friends we would keep and which ones we would let go of. I didn’t know the health issues we would have. I didn’t know….but at 26 I had it all figured out and I had a hopeful future, so much to look forward to.  

In thirty years I will be 86.  The question I propose is, “What is happening between now and then that I will look back on with this same fondness; with opportunities for  learning and growth?? I hope there are many. These next thirty years can be filled with excitement or stagnation.  They can be a time of dreaming and growth or stubborn complacency.  It all depends on my thoughts.

As we get older, we bring with us many things from our past.    Experiences that were full of pain or negativity; failures and challenging times.   The crazy part is, we now define ourselves and our future abilities by these past attempts.   We had so many goals and dreams thirty years ago - run a marathon, make a million dollars, win a contest - and if they didn’t work out or come true we  now have a tendency to just stop. To not set new goals or dreams because our past ones didn’t work out which just gives us evidence that our future ones won’t either.    Did we run that marathon? Then there is no way we can be a runner, a walker, or in shape now.    Did we become that millionaire? Really? I barely made $50,000 a year, there is no way I can be good with money, save money  or earn more money now.    Did we win the bake off championship?  I don’t even like to cook. Why would I learn a new skill now?  With all of these partly finished, no success at all or half baked past experiences we can become filled with regret and get discouraged about our future lives.  

Let’s take an alternate approach to this and look at our past as if it were perfect.   Let’s look at it as if there were no mistakes only opportunities for growth and lessons.    Didn’t run that marathon? I wasn’t supposed to run it, just prepare and practice for a while, make my knees hurt, and stop so I could appreciate good health and understand the process it takes to run a marathon.  Didn’t become a millionaire? I wasn’t supposed to. My lesson was all about learning how to do life with a little, to bargain shop or make do and be able to give to others along the way anyway. Didn’t win the bake off?  Nope, but at least I had fun, tried some new things, stepped out of my comfort zone and met amazing people along the way.

You can re-frame and learn from the past, but that’s it.

You can tell when someone is past focused because they’ll say things like “That’s just how I have always done it.” “That doesn’t work for me; I have tried it,” “I’ve had this issue my entire life.” “This is just how I am.” “I am not the kind of person who can do that.” “I’ve always been overweight, it’s just who I am.” “I am not a very good athlete.”

I hear this from people all of the time, but especially people over 50.  It’s like saying that “ I am who I am and I’m not changing. No way, no how’” is a mindset and lifestyle that serves you, when actually it does just the opposite.  It keeps you stuck in your ways and views about yourself. A fixed mindset doesn’t allow any growth. No growth for 30, 40, 50 more years of life on this planet? That’s a very sad thought, and even sadder life.

It’s funny that many people are happier being defined by who they used to be without taking control of who they want to be.

The truth is you can’t go back.  The past is over. For some of us, this is a blessing.  The good news is that the future is yours for the taking !   There is no reason to argue with the past or wish it were different.  The past happened exactly how it should have . You know why this is true?  Because that’s how it happened. Arguing with it or wishing it was different somehow is  a waste of emotional energy. As Byron Katie said,“When I argue with What Is, I lose, but only 100% of the time.”

  Instead of all of the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s about the past which are really bringing us down, and aging us faster than tending twin two-year-olds, let’s look to the future! Let's take our energy and focus on our future-- something we can affect.

Drop the Husband manual

I remember being in young women's and having our leaders tell us to make a list of all the things we wanted in a future spouse.   I  have also been a YW leader  and had my own Mia maids or Laurels do this same type of list.  The list looked something like this.

My future husband .....

is Cute

is a Returned missionary

is able to take me to the temple

Makes me laugh

Helps with chores around the house

Mows the Lawn and does all outside yard work

Loves to sing and do theatre

is so good looking

is Tall so I can wear 3 inch heels . 

Makes a lot of money

is an orphan.  (I thought it would be great not to have to worry about in laws.  Little did I know having Tom and Wanee Welch as my in laws is one of my biggest blessings.)

So many things.  I know that this list and all lists like this of what we prescribe for other people's lives is not healthy.  It's called having a "manual" for people.  A manual on how they should behave, who they should be, and what they should think and do for them to be lovable and acceptable by us. 

I used to go nuts if Wayne didn't get his clothes into the clothes hamper, or his dishes in the dishwasher or his shoes in the closet.   I made it mean that his doing these things proved he loved me more or his not doing these things that he loved me less.  But he didn't really care about these things, only I did.   So.....I just changed my thoughts. I quit looking for and seeing all of the things not being done and focused on what I love about this man and then the other stuff didn't matter.   I learned that I can't control Wayne, I can only control me and my thoughts.  And I just let go.  The interesting thing is once I let go and quit nagging, or arguing about these things, they changed.   I changed.

I now have a new list for what I want from my husband:

--Just be Wayne

Wayne is really good at being Wayne and I'm really good at loving him for where he is.  It hasn't always been this way, but once I dropped the husband manual it has only gotten better.  

I choose every day to love my husband on purpose.

Valentines 365

Valentines is supposed to be a night of romance?   Chocolates, roses, kisses and a
fancy dinner.
Right?
With this ideal in mind, I am just setting myself and Wayne up for failure.  

I would rather it be a day where I tell all of my people that I love them.
A day where I have loving thoughts towards humanity in general and specifically my
neighbors. A day that’s not prescribed to me by advertisements and the media of what
it should look like, or what I need to buy or be, but one that cures my aching heart
because it’s filled with LOVE.

SO let’s alphabetically break it down…..

V- Value the people around you.  The ones you live with, work with, shop with, eat with,
get online with. Spread the love around.

A- Attitude is everything when it comes to Valentines day.  
Don’t think what’s in it for me, but rather, who can I serve? Don’t wait around to see
if flowers show up or a sweet card…..do that for someone else instead.

L- Lift others-- send a nice card, drop off a treat, send texts and emails and even old
fashioned letters

E- Enjoy this day.  Smile and see those smiles returned.

N- No time for regrets if you don’t do it exactly right.  All of this doesn’t matter.
Just do something.

T- Take time to reflect on your loved ones best qualities and then tell them about it.

I- Ideally this Love day and feeling should happen every day.  
 By letting LOVE be our lens that we view the world through, we really can make a
difference on this day and the other 364.

N- Never a dull moment.  This day you can heart attack a car with pink sticky notes,
write loving words with lipstick on the bathroom mirror, put random acts of
kindness into the world by taking in shopping carts, dropping off cookies at the fire station,
or paying for the car behind you at the drive through.  Have fun with it.

E- Everyone wins when we use this day to work on thinking loving thoughts about
everyone we meet. This is unconditional love.  When we have loving thoughts we
feel loving feelings. The guy on the street we are practicing unconditional love towards
doesn’t feel our love, only we do.  And Love feels so good. These same thoughts
can sustain us through out our day if we let it.

Valentines-- the one day a year that can keep on living the whole year through!

___________________________________
So what did happen on Valentine's day this year?
Wayne did come through with flowers for Laila and I . We did get to see some of our grands and exchange valentines and hugs, and Wayne did take me out for lunch at a favorite Mexican place. Wayne, Laila and I did participate in our chalk board question..... "What do I love about You?"

100 things

100 Things I appreciate about me or 100 reasons for me to LOVE me.
This isn't about thinking about my self more, this is about thinking about my self differently - more positive and appreciative so I can think about myself much less.
This is  true confidence!
1. I'm a good mom who accepts and loves my kids exactly as they are
2. I have a lot of friends
3. I gather my extended family
4. I'm a dark chocolate lover
5. I enjoy sex with Wayne
6. I exercise and walk at least three times a week.
7. I love to travel
8. I enjoy a long airplane ride- with a good book or movie
9. I perform on the stage
10. I sing in church and at funerals
11. I reach out to others and go to lunch at least once a week.
12. I enjoy a good, long hug
13. I love teenagers
14. I make a great Sunday Dinner
15. I make time for swim days.
16. I love to read self development books
17. I love to read historical novels
18. I love a hot bath- or a hot tub
19. I'm spontaneous
20. I know how to be fun, I bring the fun
21. I get my hair done and my makeup on every day, even if it's only from me
22. I'm a good teacher
23. I can sew
24. I paint
25. I have good priorities
26. I love to shop for bargains
27. I'm a positive person
28. I'm kind
29. I like to decorate my home
30. I love my husband on purpose
31. I can do hard things
32. I'm an excellent speaker
33. I love to laugh
34. I have amazing hair
35. I a testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ
36. I have a great sense of direction in a mall or shopping center
37. I birthed 4 babies
38. I went through the adoption process for my 5th baby
39  I'm not afraid of other people's judgements
40. I have shapely legs
41. I don't watch the news
42.  I'm a person others want to be around
43.  I try new things
44.  I love learning
45.  I love going to movies
46.  I don't hang on to grudges
47.  I'm a good coach
48.  I'm a self starter
49.  I laugh out loud at movies and plays
50.  I believe Heavenly father's plan for me is perfect
51.  I enjoy road trips
52.  I don't think I'm better than anyone else
53.  I am a great sleeper
54.  I am close to my family
55.  I'm obsessed with human behavior
56. I love a good tv show
57  I'm not afraid to ask for help
58. I'm close to my Mother in law
59. I love to work
60. I'm open minded
61. I'm not easily offended
62. I make decisions easily
63. I'm not a worrier
64. I sing loud in my car
65. I love my life
66. I can perform "a goose that laid the golden egg" spoonerism
67. I keep a journal
68. I wrote a book about my children
69. I wrote three  children's books
70. I love sunsets
71. I love going to spiritual/ self improvement conferences- TOFW
72. I take meds for depression
73. I love the sun
74. I road bike for miles and miles and love doing this with Wayne
75. I play with my grand kids
76. I am forgiving
77. I enjoy a Maverick run
78. I keep a clean home
79. I can make chocolate chip cookies without looking at a recipe
80. I continue to mess up my right and left hand
81. I love a good nap
82. I'm managing my brain
83. I love Bear lake time- or sitting on any beach
84. I'm an on time person
85. I enjoy church meetings
86. I have a testimony of the gospel
87. I do date nights with Wayne
88. I love kanasta
89. I love my bed
90. I can say the alphabet backwards
91. I love listening to Wayne's stories over and over
92. I'm funny
93. I'm a record keeper
94. I love funky shoes
95. I love my body
96. I love Broadway musicals
97. I love watching my kids on stage
98. I am my kid's biggest cheer leader
99. I knit
100. I set goals

Plates and Palates

So I was eating a Plates and Palates today....again.  This is my neighborhood salad joint where like Norm in "Cheers" everyone knows my name. Well not everyone, but I go there often enough that the owners, Justin and Jared and some of the regular employees do.
I love this salad joint because well I love salads.  I don't make salads for myself at home though. I will put together a delicious turkey avocado sandwich, tuna and pickle or PB and J on white bread.  I will make veggie soup, or cauliflower cheese, or a turkey chile at the drop of a bean, but salad with all of the good stuff is not in my wheelhouse. So I love Plates and Palates to get my salad fix.
I know it's a good salad if I need a good flossing session at the end.  Pear and Pecan or a Waldorf with all  of the sugared nuts, seeds, fruit with multiple lettuces and sweet lemon or  poppy seed dressings are a success if I have stuff stuck in my aging teeth.
I could go to Plates every week-- a couple of times, and in fact some months I do just that. It's close and it's delicious, plus I get a crusty roll with real butter with each of my salad lunches too.

I've celebrated numerous girl friend birthdays here, and some family birthdays as well.  When I lunch with my sisters it's always at Plates and Palates. The two years that dad was here without mom, we wold take him to P and P for lunch-- no stairs and easy access from car to door to table.   I've cried there and been the shoulder to cry on.  I've laughed with and buoyed friends up there.  It was where I first said to groups of people, My son is gay. My mom has cancer.  My child is rebelling. My sister is dying.  Some weeks having a P and P lunch date on my calendar is my one bright spot.

Almost every time I go there, there is some customer I know and can greet.   Last week I ran into my cousin's son who was visiting from South Carolina...what are the chances?  It was crazy, and as I'm oohing and ahing over him, my sweet relief society president and older VT person were at the table next to us.

When Plates first opened it was a few tables for food and half of the space was taken up with kitchen utensils and baking paraphernalia for sale.  I also thought it might be an exercise studio and kept calling it "plates and pilates."  I soon learned the error of my ways.  I'm glad they got rid of the retail part and just focused on what they do best- soups, salads, sandwiches and a place where everyone knows your name.
P and P is really the best.

consuming..and changing the world!

hmmm... I've been vegging out with 6 hours of  videos from Jody Moore for life coach school and 2 hours of an Agatha Christie mini series.   This has been a passive action snow-day.  I did set up some coaching appointments for later this week...so that's good and I'm looking forward to coaching tonight at 8:30 with a YSA.  I want to start a Tuesday coaching/teaching weekly with the YSA's and anyone they want to invite.  I just need to figure how to get the word out and make it beneficial to them because I know this would help me get better with all of this.  I want to teach mental and emotional health tools and goal setting and even weight loss for those who are interested. 
I really want to change the world! 
I want to teach and get friends, family and strangers to know how to have a better life by understanding that they are in charge of their thoughts and feelings and how they show up in the world and taking care of their own needs and that this is the most empowering position to have. 
I could stay in learning, consuming, passive action day after day because it's easier than putting myself out there and actually being a coach.
BUT
I've learned that life is a series of results-- and results all start with a thought!  Thoughts rule our world. 
My thought will be my result.
T= R
Thought:  I'm an amazing life coach who helps many people and earns 100K. 
This is what I'm putting out into the world and telling my brain and I know this result will happen.

Jesus' nicknames

I was thinking of John 1 when Jesus Christ calls his disciple John- John the Beloved. What a beautiful, beautiful name.
So....with that in mind, I was thinking if we were back in Jesus’ day what spiritual nicknames he might give to all of my family? I came up with the following list thinking of my people’s strengths-- Wayne the Wise
Addison the Brave
Bre the Determined
Landon the Connector
Alex the Kind
Truman the Seeker
Monson the Obedient
Lexi the Tender hearted
Laila the loved

My name sounds like a Native American...Melinda the Faith walker.

Men are always running their fingers through my Hair!

My hair looks awesome.  I just got done with Gary coloring my hair and it's gorgeous.  Gary has done my hair for 30 years.  He cuts and colors and anything else I want. I love getting my hair done.  It's a therapy session and beauty session all rolled into one.

I've always had a man do my hair.

My Grandpa Butters gave me my first hair cut and continued with hair cuts til he retired- about my high school years.  I remember Sunday night hair cuts in the breezeway in the summer or by his back door in the winter and every once in a while I would get a special hair cut, or color and get go into Grandpa's salon in SLC.  IT was across from and west of Temple square.  The corner is filled with the LDS Church History museum now. It was a prime spot.  I remember being introduced to Harold B. Lee's wife when he was the Prophet.  She sat by me and got her hair done chatting me and Grandpa Butters up the whole time. I always felt so grown up when I got to go into Salt Lake and see Grandpa. 

Then I moved on to having my Uncle Steve perm, cut and color my hair  at his hair salon in Bountiful called The Head Office . This was a "funky" space with Garfield posters and other funny saying posters on the ceiling.  So when  getting your hair washed you had something to read and chuckle about from the ceiling sayings. Steve had the fastest hands in the west.  He could roll a perm and get you processing quicker than quick.  Perms were huge in the 80's so this was a good thing.

Gary, Marcie's husband,  went to hair school in his late 20's and started doing my hair from when I had little babies  up until now. He started out at his home with a chair and the kitchen sink, then he had a real salon for awhile, then back to a nice salon space in his home.  Gary has worked for many names in the hair industry- Broccato, Kadis, and currently KIN.

I've had numerous hair styles throughout the ages, and colors of hair.  And I appreciate all of these guys.  I love my hair being long and curly or wavy and that I only have to wash and do my hair once a week.  Really once a week.  It's pretty curly the first day and gets less and less as the week goes on, and that's okay.  My hair is so dry, that it never gets oily.  I actually have to add oil to my hair after I wash it.

It's crazy, I know.


Landon, my son, is now in Beauty school learning to become a hair dresser.  He is excellent at it, so I can see my future now with him taking care of my hair needs.  He graduates in April and then Gary is mentoring him and getting him moving forward in a salon in SLC.  Landon likes cutting and really loves coloring and is so good at it already.  All of the chemistry and geometry that felt like it had no application in his high school years now makes total sense in his hair school years and come easily.

Sunday night hair cutting is now delegated to Landon

Hair has always been a big deal to me and I'm grateful to all the men who have had a hand in that.