Marcie

My beautiful sister Nov 2014

I was able to go to Marcie's oncologist appointment  today. Marcie was hoping for good news and it didn't happen. Her body is in no condition for any more chemo. No CT scan could be taken because just moving her out of the wheel chair to the table is such an ordeal. She can't mover her legs.  They did take her blood to see white count and cancer markers. Marcie is so weak from cancer, chemo, the Infection and low nutrition.  So there was talk of hospice and staying with physical therapy only if she wanted to  because maybe she could rally, maybe get strong again, maybe get her legs under her and then chemo could start again.  I think Marcie is just grasping at anything that sounds like hope so PT will still be happening plus she is one of the most stubborn, determined people I know. 

But hearing the word hospice.... I couldn't stop crying. I've been wrapping my heart and head around the inevitability of this for months but it still felt so fresh when Dr Samuelson said there is really nothing to be done, go home and be with your family.  She was really at peace though with the Dr's bad news and is just going to keep on  keeping on at the Life Care Center. 

I love my sister and I have apologized to her for being so sad and tearful today.  Some days are just like that. 

I cry because she is too young to be doing this and to be gone out of my life so soon. 

I cry because we were supposed to grow old together and be the crazy hat ladies going to our grandkids recitals and performances. 

I cry because her body is so bruised and broken and it's difficult to watch CNA's struggle to move her from bed to chair....they  even dropped her once.  She has no muscle or strength to move herself or help them at all. 

I cry because life is so fragile

I cry because what if I didn't get enough pictures? What if I forget?   What if 

Wizard of Oz

Watching the Wizard  of Oz, up at Sundance with Holly, Wanee and Alfie was wonderful.  All three made this experience really enjoyable for me.

Holly sat right by me and said over and over, I know what's going to happen next then acted like it was the first time she saw Dorothy follow the yellow brick road or the Lion ask for courage.  She sang all of the songs.....outloud... and laughed  at all of the right places and loved it.

Alfie sat on uncle Tru's lap or his daddy's through the entire show.  He pointed up at the stars when it got dark and  did the sign language for it and food and trees and bird and just about anything on the stage including waving good bye to the scarecrow and blowing him a kiss.  He sang "o-e-o"with the witch's henchmen and clapped  and sat through this long show with out a fuss.

Wanee ooed and awed over how smart her great grand baby  is, how awesome Addison's choreography was (especially the munchkin dance  ala Lord Farquat from Shrek with the shoes on their knees),  and how delightful and clever the show is and that's with the scenery and effects of the show not yet finished.

To get to Sundance theatre we had to travel by car, shuttle bus and a tractor that pulled up a trailer...then we still had 100 more feet  to walk up hill.  But it was worth it to be with family, support our Addison, and see some theatre in a beautiful outdoor setting.

It was a good night

I wonder

My family is falling apart.... or ....it's getting stronger.... I have yet to decide.
I wonder why we have so many earthly hardships to go through?
I wonder why our bodies are so fragile?
I wonder why some people live into their 80's and some die so young?
I wonder why I get to go from Marcie's ICU hospital room to my dad's hospital room?
I wonder what the next few months will bring?

Dad has kidney failure and is on dialysis now three times a week. He had a port out in his jugular and then moved about 8 inches down to his chest that won't stop bleeding. He had an angiogram to see if they could help his 35% heart function but discovered the only real way is through open heart surgery which he doesn't want.  He can't walk any more so will be released from the hospital to go to a care center and then physical therapy. 

Marcie has low blood sugar, low heart rate, a Uti, can't swallow, infected sores that won't heal, basically the chemo that's kicking cancers butt is also taking down Marcie. She is dehydrated and malnourished and does better in the Icu than at home.  If she can get out of the hospital she will go to a care center because she can't walk and needs physical therapy and then maybe she can start chemo again. 

With all of this I am .... I don't know???
Thinking that my life is more precious for being uncertain.
Sometime I just sit and don't do.
I can't think, I can eat.
I am bewildered and blessed.

Bear Lake 2015

Bear Lake top 10 --Welch family top ten favorite things about our Bear Lake vacation:

1.  Riding around the lake on our bikes
2.  Double Raspberry shakes
3. Warm lake water-- the outside air was a cool 75 so the lake water actually felt better
4. Tubing
5. Zipz with their flavored drinks and Dole whips
6. Spending time with Sofia, Andrew and Alfie
7. Love being on the beach with the fam
8. Poppa Wayne so willing to take Sophia boating and letting her drive
9.  Game nights

10. Having adventures and playing with Laila and cousin Ryan

Laila and Abby were so excited to get there they jumped into the lake with their clothes on

Adam toilet papered our bikes

Tru got to stay a few nights in the motel room since Gpa Lyle didn't come 

Saying hi to the group from the condo balcony

Alf on the merry go round during the drizzly weather 

Alf with Poppa at the pier feeding the fish and going on the boat

Alf with poppa Wayne heading to the boat

We rode around the lake with Nash and Tami for his 50 miler merit badge. It was great having the Madsens with us for a few nights.  Wayne did  the lake ride three times 

Just posing on the beach

Missing my parents. My mom loved this place so much it's almost sacred to us 

We loved having cousin Abby Welch with us this

Juanito Bandito didn't disappoint and his amazing Monkey was pretty tricky

Alex with Sophia and Andrew swimming 

Tru turned Laila into a sand Mermaid 

Boating is always a fun time 

Sophia thought she was pretty cool driving the boat. Andrew wouldn't even get on the boat

Sophia played and did adventures with Andrew, Laila, Ryan and Carson. She had them all put their hands in and cheer "friendship forever!"

I love my siblings so much. We always look forward to this bear lake time together. Marcie went out of her way, even with her cancer and feeling horrible, to be at the lake.