Wednesday, September 3, 2008

162 lbs….when did I get to be 162 pounds!

162 lbs….when did I get to be 162 pounds!!! It just crept up on me. I stepped on the scales on Monday after a summer of not caring about what I ate, and was shocked to read the scale. I knew it would be “bad’, because all of my clothes were tight and I looked chubby in every t-shirt, but still 162 lbs. When was the last time I weighed that? Usually I would be around 155 pounds by just eating and exercising 4 days a week…but that’s just not cutting it any more. Granted the 155 is 15 to 20 pounds over what my ideal weight would be. The weight I maintained for 7 years BL.

The BL stands for “before Laila.” I blame a lot of things on having a baby at 40 . Although she never came out of my body, the baby at 40 was/is a big deal. Not enough energy, not enough rules, not enough me time…it just all changed and eating became my dru g of choice. I really just eat to not have to think. I eat to not have to feel; to not go crazy. The temporary goodness of the chocolate in my mouth, or the scoop, okay, bowl of ice cream sliding down. That replaced the what ever it is I’m missing at the moment, or whatever it is I don’t want to feel at the moment.

Back to 162 pounds. I’ve got to do something about it and do something now. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to worry about my weight. Nor is it the last time, knowing my track record with weight and dieting.

Where did it all begin….and why do I care so much?

I’ve been on a diet or some sort of eating plan since I was 13 years old. I remember making summer plans of what I would eat…diet A&W rootbeer and gum. That was going to get me through. That would work so when I started 9th grade I would be little like all of my friends. It didn’t last for a summer, a month , a week or even a day….but I continually made this goal. Until a snickers bar came my way . I wasn’t the fat chick …but I was the tall girl . The Big one . The one that didn’t really fit in. I would walk by the 5.7.9 store and wish I could buy some clothes in there. ( I don’t think that store is around any more and for good reason.) My best friends at the time Malinda and Kaye were shorter than me. Malinda by not much and Kaye by a lot. Both were sizes smaller than me when it came to clothing. I always felt “BIG.” I tried the grapefruit diet, for a few days. I switched to Fresca and then Tab to get me through my days. All I really wanted was a Rocky Road candy bar from the JR. High snack store.

The funny thing is I was the “thin” one in my family. My older sister Marcie, by 1 year, always had to battle her weight. Still does, although I’ve watched her through the years, come to terms with it. It’s not on the top on her struggle list. She dresses like a million bucks and is a beauty goddess. She handles it like a champ. Anyway, Marcie wanted to be my size and I wanted to be Kaye’s size. You know, the grass is always greener syndrome. I didn’t really dare talk about weight and feeling big around my sister or my mom. They would roll there eyes and it would cause confusion and heart ache that I could even think this way. But I did. Mom would buy clothes for my sister and me to share. Tops mostly. A little small on Marcie a little big on me. I tried not to care.

I remember being in the 10th grade and struggling to fit into high school. Everything I wanted to do and was interested in, my friends couldn’t have cared less about. They cared about dating and boy friends. I was too…..big for that. A new crop of friends had to be found some where. At that time my mom, for my sister Liz , put the family on the Feingold diet. We cut out basically all “white”. No white flour, white sugar, white rice etc…This was in the 70’s. So when we did this there weren’t many options around. Needless to say, the family lost weight…I did too. I remember going into my mom’s bathroom and stepping on the scale and weighing 125 pounds. For a 5’81/2” , that was thin. I was on top of the world. For a few months, I looked like everyone else. I looked like the magazines. ….it didn’t last long. It never did….it never does. Stress is school…trying to be the A student and sing, and dance, and debate and be on the school newspaper, and be the star in the school musical. It was fun…..but stressful. I started going to exercise classes with my mom.

Graduating from High School…I was thin again. Determinedly so. I had my end of year picture taken and I know I was in a size 9 dress. ( I know a size 9 was smaller 30 years ago) I was excited. I almost saved that dress for posterity sake to prove how “little” I was.

I start college and my steady boyfriend, Wayne goes on a mission and leaves me for 2 years. I stress eat my way up to 165 lbs. Nothing to wear. I’m in pain and can’t stand myself. Good thing Wayne isn’t around to see this, or he would never want me. My mom tells him in a letter that I’m looking like “bulgy the whale.” Yes, she actually wrote that to him, I have the proof.

The Beverly Hills diet found it’s way before my eyes the summer of 1981 and really changed me. Wayne was gone. Marcie was getting married and I was in summer stock theater. I was determined to be the thin one on stage. No more mother parts for me, I wanted the ingénue. Watermelon and nothing but watermelon I ate for 4 days. Pineapple was added to my diet , and an assortment of fruits and diarrhea followed. But it worked. I ate my way down to 118 pounds. I had my costumes fit for Godspell, Sound of Music and the Boyfriend at this weight, and by the end of the summer – nothing fit…I was ripping out seams, and buying girdles. Back up again. I finally topped out again at 155 lbs.

Summer of 1982 and I was Binge eating. Sneaking food from Marcie and Gary’s freezer and house.. I couldn’t stop my self. I worked at the Roy theatre and could have all of the popcorn and candy I wanted…I wanted a lot. Binge and purge. I tried it. Wasn’t successful with the throw up part only the eating everything in sight part. I would go to Smith’s and buy a box of doughnuts and sit in the Weber State parking lot and eat the entire box. I would start with one. I was so hungry….it’s the only thing that sounded good. Then 2 , then 3—I’ve eaten 3 doughnuts! Who eats 3 doughnuts? What kind of a monster am I ? No one could ever love me…I’m worthless. Doughnuts 4, 5 and 6 would find their way into my gut as fast as possible. Now I feel crappy. I am worthless. Who does this anyway? What is wrong with me? I’ve got to hide the box and pretend this never happened. I have powdered sugar all over my hands, face, car seat…I was a mess. This same scene repeated itself over and over. Not just doughnuts, but cartons of ice cream, tubs of popcorn, candy bar, after candy bar. I was in a whirlwind….It tasted good. It felt good going down. Then the guilt set in, and the worthless feelings continued. It was a never ending spiral.

I remember revealing my eating secret to my mom one night as I cried at our kitchen counter. She couldn’t believe my list of the amount of food I had consumed that day. I was out of control. I needed money for food, just like a junkie for drugs or an alcoholic. I joined Nutrisystems. Lots of money. Hated the food. Some results though. Back to Summer stock for Annie Get Your Gun—I weighed around 140 lbs. I felt fat and huge on the stage that summer. So many little bodies to compare me to.

Theate is a hard thing to be in. Auditions and comparisons are always taking place. Am I pretty enough? Do I sing good enough? Do I look the part? Am I what they are looking for? If only I was thinner then I would get the part. All thoughts that cascaded through my head.

Theatre and auditioning makes one full of self loathing, if you let it, and I let it.

Getting married and weighing in at 145 pounds. I wanted to wear my mom’s wedding dress from the 50’s so badly. It was off white with a huge princess tulle skirt on it. I love vintage and this gown spoke to me. Plus, we had no money. Wearing mom’s dress was going to work. I would make it work. I put the gown on, couldn’t zip it up. I took the gown to a seamstress who let out every seam as far as possible. I starved myself for weeks. I was determined to make this work. I weighted in at 140 on my wedding day and was scrunched in my mothers dress. I couldn’t wait to take the dress off. What was I thinking?

I was always worried I would weigh the same as my husband. Wayne got married at 155 lbs. I didn’t want to have my scales say that weight for me. I used to really enjoy reading and collecting recipes. I liked to cook and made all sorts of new things. Wayne gained weight, I gained weight. It was a win, win. As long as I was gaining weight, atleast he was too. My cousin, Krystin, was losing weight on the Scarsdale diet-- tried it-- didn't like it.

When I was pregnant with my 4 boys I topped out at 190 lbs. I ate whatever I wanted. I scarffed down egg rolls and Nut rolls. Ding Dongs and hot wings. I loved it all. I was free to eat and not worry. I did this 4 times, and never really lost the baby fat inbetween. Baby fat turned into toddler fat, which turned into grade school and Jr High Fat. Oh well.

When my youngest son was almost 2, I heard about a carbohydrates-addict diet on the Oprah show. What? I could eat whatever I wanted an hour a day, and then protein all around that? I could handle that. I was determined and I ate according to their plan. My hour of Power—I called it when the calling came to eat. And I ate. I would save up desserts and candy and other food throughout the day, and snarff it all at once during my hour. My stomach never shrunk. For some reason this diet worked for my and by month 4 I was down. I started at 160 pounds, and really got down to around 128. I was little, Size 4 here I come. I toyed with it for a few more months. It worked for me. But I couldn’t eat this way forever. Weight started creeping back on. I exercised like a crazy woman to make up for the fact that my hour of eating now filled 24 hours of eating—with no protein break. I kept it off for 5 years, going between 135 and 140 pounds. It took effort but I could do it.

Body for Life—or just for a few months. Whichever. The year 2000 my Wayne wanted to do Body for Life and get his life into shape. He conned me into it, even though I only really had 10 pounds to lose. I was up to 145 by then. We ate the Bill Phillips way, We worked out. We had our free day. We were focused on riding bikes and running and walking and staying active. It felt good to finally do a diet with Wayne. We got skinny and buff. By the summer of 2000—I could have worn a bikini , a modest one , of course.

We have a baby at 40—Laila comes and my weight slowly inches up the scale. I wasn’t ready for this new mother thing again. I was up all night. Tired all of the time. Trapped in my home. Making Chocolate chip cookie dough daily and trying to figure out how other mothers handled this. When Laila turned 2 I was up to 172 pounds---help!! I joined Weight Watchers. I had to do something. I didn’t really loved Weight Watchers, but it taught me about my stress eating and gave me points to worry about. It was stressfull just thinking about that. But I did and I went back down to 155 pounds. I do remember trying to go to a meeting, and weigh in. The WW was closed and I was mad. This was the only few minutes I had for this week….I went and pigged out on ice cream from Baskin Robbins. You know the buy one get one. Of course when I ordered it I pretended I was getting it for a friend. “Now, what did she say she wanted again…let me think…” Yeah whatever. I ate it all in the parking lot.

So no life time Weight Watchers membership for me.

South Beach Diet came next. The summer of 2004--- oh yes, I remember it well. I did great for 6 weeks. I was down to 140 pounds wandering through Smith’s and being mad while I looked at all of the food I “couldn’t” have. I was back up to 155 by then end of September.

155 is my magic chub number!!!!!

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