I love the theatre. I love the smell of the grease paint and the roar of the crowd. My favorite place to travel is NYC to see all of the shows!
I love sitting in the theatre right before the curtain goes up. (I usually pray, "please let this show be good." )
Most of the time I can find something I like about even the most maudlin or amateurish show.
I just love the whole thing.
I love being on stage. I love everything about it. I've been in plays since I was 12 years old. I especially love being the star of the show. Who wouldn't. Being in a play/musical, you have to look the part. To have the lead in most musicals-- you have to be thin. It's just how it works. People need to see you on stage and not say, "why is she...this......or why is she that ....." They just need to feel comfortable with how you were cast. I do this too as an audience member.
My self image is tied up in this Theatre thing. I don't want the chubby mother part or the fat character part, I want the skinny-main part!! As I get older I know this isn't going to work so much-- I can't be 46 and expect to play Maria Van Trapp.
"How do you solve a problem like Melinda?"
So I really should get over it.
But I go to shows, and I hear people talk about the ones onstage. They always mention body size. I don't want the comments about me to be, "She's so good-- but such a heavy ." I want them to say, "So good, and she has 5 kids, she's 46-- man she doesn't look it, she looks great!"
The theatre really is about looks. This has been a struggle between my practical self that says,
" looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts," and my narcissistic self which says "looks are everything."
IN my every day life I really don't put much energy into what people think of me and how I look. I'm okay with running errands in my exercise clothes, and even my swimming suit cover up. No make up, glasses on, hair in a pony...no problem.
I don't buy into the beauty ads and magazine articles of what I " should" look like.
I'm crippled, though, by my interest in the theatre.
This is difficult for me , but something I know I have learn to deal with.