Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Hello...it's me....hating my body again.

So.... I ate an entire 1/2 gallon of Moose Tracks ice cream in 24 hours...basically in two sittings.  I can't believe I ate the whole thing...and what the crap?!?  I am so tired of being on this diet and  then binge roller coaster that I've been on for 40 years!  I want to jump off....
I have got to do something and it's not another diet...
Diets aren't sustainable.  Sure I can eat medifast and lose 25 pounds, but as soon as I go off  then all the weight comes back.... OR I can do the million other diets I've tried since I was 15 years old.   I blame my mom for this diet mentality.  Mom was never at peace with her weight.  She was always on a diet..most always heavy and not happy about it... For a woman who had it so together in every other aspect of her life...such a good friend a good disciple an amazing mother, sister, wife etc...she sure didn't have her act together around food.   She passed this on to me.
I need to make peace with food and not have it control me.
I'm ready to  really do some inside work and get a healthy relationship with food.
I know I'm an emotional eater.  
I know I eat to stuff my feelings down.  I eat because I'm bored.  I eat because I feel inadequate.  I eat because I'm lonely.  I eat because I'm anxious.  I hear something about our world, or a friend or family member that doesn't sit quite right and immediately stand up , go to the kitchen and raid the pantry.  I am a secret eater too.... standing and stuffing cookies in my mouth as fast as I can so Wayne won't see me.  I feel shame around it.
I know I eat for companionship or when i'm bored.  It seems that all the feelings I don't want to feel can be made better with food.  

Instead of turning to food I need to be turning to people.  That's hard.  It kind of feels whiney and like something is wrong with me.  But something is wrong with me.  I need to text or call and say...I'm bored or I'm anxious and this is why, then talk it through instead of eating it through.

I've been reading a lot about intuitive eating.  This is actually how Bre eats.  She has always had a healthy relationship with food , eating whatever sounds good, but always eating slow and really enjoying every bite.  She stops before she is full and actually doesn't enjoy the "full' feeling that i'm so used to.  She eats  all day, here and there and  only eats really "good" food-- meaning not just a cheap hostess donut but a really good bakery donut.  Not just a nondescript candy bar, but a candy bar she really wants.   Bre can have candy in her purse for days and she doesn't think about it, or worry about it or focus on it...it just is.  I do all of the thinking, worrying and focusing for her.

There is so much to be done, but in my reading and diving into the WHY of emotional eating I know I need to do better at self care-- doing things that fill me up so I don't have to fill up with food.

I'm doing a 14 days challenge of self care ... and I'm going to hold myself accountable on this blog.
Day 1...take a long slow bath.  Did it.  Felt amazing.  Felt relaxed and ready for bed.  The sweet bubble bath that Truman brought me from Paris has an awesome scent.

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