I knew. I knew.

I knew.  I knew.
Personal revelation told me it wasn't right.  But what to do about a church policy that I had no control over?

I did what I always do when I have a question that has no answer.  I put it in my proverbial "box" and place it at the Savior's feet and tell him I trust him and I love him and I know he loves me and my children and wants what's best for all of us.  And I wait.  And 3 1/2 years later the policy is removed.

The recent announcement from my church about removing the LGBTQ children
blessing, baptism, apostate policy from 2015 has got me in all sorts of feelings.

I am grateful to have just finished reading the book on Pres. Nelson  by Sheri Dew.  It was full of insights and stories from Pres. Nelson's life.  I got done reading it and was filled with sustaining love for my leader just when the official announcement came down. I was thrilled and sad and relieved all at the same time. 
I was thrilled.  Tears flowed and Wayne and I rejoiced.
I was sad. It was this policy that was the "last straw" for my Truman and many others about staying in our church.  It was a slap to all people struggling with their sexuality and how it fits into church doctrine. Labeling people apostate because they are gay and get married?  Really?  It's been difficult.
AND.....
I was relieved. I thought  "Yay me. I did it. I stayed."
I continue to focus on reasons to stay in this church.  I  know others find reasons to get out.  No judgment.  What ever works for them.  I know the Lord knows people's hearts and desires and intentions and struggles and questions and he understands all of this.  He is full of justice, yes...but more importantly Love and MERCY.

I like that God uses imperfect people to do his work on this earth. I like that about me and Wayne as we serve in a YSA ward and  about Joseph Smith and Russel M. Nelson.  I cut imperfect humans ( all of us) a bunch of slack.  We are all learning, making mistakes and learning some more.
I get that the Leadership of our church didn't need to publicly announce the policy change or even deal with it and they could just as easily kicked this problem down the road. I am pleased that it was reversed.  The struggle is calling it  God's revelation in the first place and not personal revelation/reaction of the Quorum of the twelve over the legalizing of gay marriage in America.
I get how revelation feels to me.  Sometimes I wonder if it's my thoughts or the Lord's thoughts and I know it's colored by my own life experiences. I'm sure this is true for everyone.
It's also an "I don't know what I don't know" kind of thing.  I don't know what family issues were being brought to the Brethren's attention from stake presidents and bishops before the policy nor do I know what family situations  have been brought up since.  I do know this directly affected my family.
Andrew was baptized and then confirmed by Papa Wayne at age 8, much to his mom's urging and Alex's relenting.  Not an all around beautiful thing but one we supported.  Andrew was given this choice because he still had a choice to make.  At age 12 Andrew was being asked and wondered about over and over again by the mom's bishop about him becoming a deacon.  Really there was no choice unless it was kicked up  to church headquarters.  When Sophia turned 8 there was no choice of baptism for her. It's been difficult to be a third party watching this.  Watching Landon and Alex grow more sour on my religion.   

With the change of policy Sophia and Andrew both have their choice back.  As it should be.  I know Andrew and Sophia are in a difficult position with  a mom who takes them to LDS church some Sundays and they hear from her and others about how wrong it is to be gay- then they mostly live with their gay custodial parents- Landon and Alex and they witness for them selves how  normal, ordinary and great these two guys are and how much love they have for them and for each other. It's confusing with or with out the church policy muddling the waters.

With the change of policy married LGBTQ are no longer considered apostates.
Apostate is a strong term and is the one that tore at my heart.  My kids weren't denouncing Christ and giving up their christianity when they married nor were they leading others astray.   I have been to Landon and Alex's home.  They revere and teach their children about the goodness of Christ and how he included the marginalized always.  They pray and hope in Christ.

This policy and other church issues I have are all secondary questions and concerns.  They don't trump my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  I believe in the restored gospel and that the kingdom of God is on earth today. I believe in continuing revelation and personal revelation.  I believe that God lives and loves me and hears and answers my prayers.  I believe that the Book of Mormon is true scripture, and Joseph Smith was the prophet of the restoration. I believe families are forever and whatever that looks like I leave in the Lord's hands.

So I stay.