D& C 42:45: Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.
ANd that’s what we are here to do today…mourn together.
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| Addison painted this for Angela and Guy |
We celebrate Preston’s life. As we have heard he was a good brother, a diligent cousin, kind, loyal, funny, willing to help, wanting to impress…he had a good heart.
Preston did not do this earth life easily.
Born with severe eczema, atopic dermatitis and psoriasis- which is an auto immune disorder- His skin was always hurting him. It was cracked and bleeding from birth with little relief. Hands, elbows, eyelids, ankles.. any crevice was raw and bloody. He was involved in so many medical studies and therapies to help alleviate his pain. He shed his skin at night and had to have his sheets changed daily. You could scoop up handfuls of dead skin cells. Lotion hurt to be put on. Water was not his friend.
Because of his skin condition, he was shunned by his peers. No one wanted to share a desk or be his partner at activities or play with him at recess. This is hard on a kid. He got in trouble a lot lashing out at kids who were bugging him. Spent too much time at the office having thrown a desk over in class or kicked a door so hard it broke the glass.
Preston did do some theatre– he had to with his Mom and his Grandma as Theatre directors. Little Preston performed in Cinderella- being a Mouse on stage with Laila, and Oklahoma at Bountiful High School. - he didn’t want to over-rehearse– or actually rehearse at all. Infact one and done rehearsals for him.. He would have made a better tv actor. He also was in Seussial the musical as Yertle the Turtle– his costume about did him in.. so hot and sweaty– he would get red and itchy quickly. He decided no more shows at this point.
Preston had a great advocate in his Grandma Sheri. She was his biggest fan. He spent many mornings before and after school times at her home while Angela and Guy worked. Mom was great at pumping him up and getting him in a good mindset to handle elementary school and all of the social parts. It was difficult for Preston when she left this world. He was 11.
For Preston’s 6th grade year - he was at my home by 7 am. I didn’t know how to help him but I wanted him to know I loved him, and said so every morning as I sent him and Laila off to school telling them to be eagles and rise above the turkeys (kids) who pull you down. Laila was good for Preston. She’s an empathetic soul but it was wearing on her seeing how he was treated. Preston and Laila have remained close.
Jr High and High School were a challenge.
He had only two friends in his whole life outside of family—Eric Starkey and Megan Sanchez. They would hang out and in the summers go swimming at Grandma Butters pool- or come to Bear Lake with Preston.
Even with that….He experienced so much alone time. So much isolation.
Preston turned into himself— he pretended to be a squirrel for years in grade school complete with paws up by his funny face. He watched the squirrel from “Over the Hedge” and loved his “mommy cookie.” He was a Scotsman with a convincing accent for two straight years from 8th through 10th grade and finally, he wanted to change his name go by Zark. This was his altar ego. He grew his hair out long and blonde. Stopped responding or acknowledging people. He had some dark times. He wore a trench coat and refused to talk to anyone. The high school kids knew him as the trench coat kid. He was angry and hurting.
The one bright spot in his was his relationship with his parents. Guy and Angela were as devoted as they come. They went to so many specialists to find some answers for his skin. Spent a ton of money. They supported him in his art and music endeavors. They got him involved in Mustang Cars and Mustang Club. Built him a “man cave” for his hobbies. They took him camping with their camping group and taught him how to ride a motorcycle and took him motorcycling with them, and watched movies with him, played games. Preston loved playing card games. Cards and marbles were his favorite. They hung out with him. Encouraging him and loving on him even though he was so difficult at times.
Angela would say– "Preston is such a butthead- but he’s my butthead!"
Preston loved spending time at Bear Lake. It was his happy place. It took him a day or two to decompress and to become his “true” self. He had two weeks every summer - one week with the Cole side and one week with the Brown side. Boating, skiing, tubing, wakeboarding, skimboarding, riding his bike, playing golf, games at night with cousins, and games at the beach. Lately, he would drive his RC car up and down the beach doing cool things and getting awesome pics. Preston was such a good helper out on our boat, and he loved his dad’s old “Red Cream Soda” Boat!
Preston was good at art - drawing and selling spray-painted canvases at local art festivals. Check out the display tables.
And at 18 he finally got some very expensive meds that made it so he could use his fingers. He taught himself guitar— loving Led Zepplin, and an electronic music program. He would write his own songs. He was teaching his mom how to play guitar.
Preston was smart… He finished high school early. Taught himself music and art and how to use a 3d printer and create specialized parts for Remote control cars…he created his own company.
Preston left God - decided being an atheist was the road for him. He felt his prayers weren’t being answered anyway. His body was always itchy and in pain. His artwork grew darker. His view on life was pessimistic.
Preston even with all of his pain, never did drugs or alcohol to numb his life. I commend him for this.
Preston’s last good day was New Year's Eve. He celebrated with the Brown side and loved singing Englebert Humperdink Karaoke songs. He knew every word. Then he lost his job in January and had been depressed and declining. No interest in his hobbies. Not wanting to get another job. Grunting at his parents. No showering. Holing up in the basement. Angela and Guy were worried. Angela reached out to Preston’s 3 older brothers who all talked to him.
… and Preston’s earth mission was completed on March 19th when he took himself out in a blaze along with his beloved white Mustang. So tragic and hard to really think about. He was hurting so badly. He hated his body and his last act proved this.
Preston experienced different rhythms and different patterns than most of us.
I believe our kids are supposed to have the lives they are supposed to have..and some are going to have a freaking hard life and I don’t know why ..but I do know we are all here to learn from each other.
Life is incredibly unfair and it’s also in our favor. It’s both and. I like to say life is 50-50 and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.
We want everything to happen for a reason– but it’s a better mindset to let GOD help make reason of everything that happens.
Life definitely is a Journey with hills and valleys - And if you have never been depressed or had dark feelings, or mental illness, it can be hard to relate. I found this song that really speaks to depression and feeling so lost
______Keep Going. Hillary Weeks
Here it comes again I feel it rolling in. A storm I can’t escape.
It feels black as night. Stealing all the light
It’s nothing I can shake
And you ask me what You can do. How can you help me now. It hurts so bad I wish I knew. I wish I knew
Just tell me you love me and say that you’ll stay with me while I fight to climb out of this pit I’ve been living in.
Tell me I’m going to make it, I need to hear you say it
While I fight to believe that I have what It takes to try again
Keep on going.
It makes me feel alone
Even though I know I’m not the only one
No matter what’s been said
This season’s in my head and I’m barely hanging on
You ask me if I’m okay. I wanna tell you yes, I’m pushing through and I’ll find a way -
I know I’ll find a way
Just tell me you love me and say that you’ll stay with me while I fight to climb out of this pit I’ve been living in.
Tell me I’m going to make it, I need to hear you say it
While I fight to believe that I have what It takes to try again
And keep on going.
I”m going to keep on going.
Preston just forgot to keep on going. And there’s no judgment around this. We are commanded to love and not to judge and to help everyone feel that they belong.
Suicide does not define Preston. It is about one choice, but not about every choice that is made, but this one choice changes future choice.
I’m so grateful we are working on breaking the stigma of Suicide. Suicide is a symptom of depression. We need to allow people to talk about it. To say what their afflictions are so that we can respond with help and compassion. 1 in 5 adults will suffer from a mental Illness
Mental illness is a disease no different than cancer. Don't whisper mental illness. Say what it is in a full-throated way.
We all deal with stuff. We have challenges.
But I believe it’s in our wounds - in our vulnerability- that’s where we connect- we have to be more willing to talk about the hard and the hurting- I know when we do we will find we are more alike than different.
Why do bad things happen To good people? Because…. Life. The fact is, brothers and sisters, bad things happen to good people. They just do. Airplanes fly into buildings. Rivers overflow their banks. Dams break and flood out villages. Accidents happen – people die prematurely. Bad stuff happens to good people. How we choose to deal with the pain is ultimately a measure of who we are. “Pain is inevitable. Misery is an option.”
That’s why the Lord gave us the gospel of Jesus Christ. To help us deal with the pain. Some of the most serene, magnificent, wonderful people I’ve ever known have gone through some major pain in their lives. My Uncle Steve is one of these people…. I like to call him our patron Saint.
Uncle Steve’s wisdom: We received the news of Preston’s death- two days after he had gone missing, and we dropped everything and gathered immediately at the Brown’s home. We just held each other and cried. Wayne and I and my Uncle Steve were some of the first responders. In my sister’s immense grief and sorrow, my Uncle Steve held Angela’s face tenderly and told her to look at him. He relayed losing a child to suicide is devastating beyond words. He knows - he and Mary lost one. But he said, “you need to do your best to stay out of regret. You can’t blame yourself.” He said, “There is nothing on earth to heal this wound. It’s all Heavenly help that is needed. “
Heavenly Father will never take away another's agency no matter how much pain that agency can cause. But, He will attend in astoundingly incredible ways to the broken hearts left in the wake of that agency.
We do not have to have joy and rejoicing in the greatest sorrows of life, like the loss of those we hold dear. We CAN find joy through the sorrow by using it to come to know our Savior and His healing Atonement in a whole new way. The joy found in heartache and grief comes expressly through Him and none else.
We in mortal life live a lot with OR thinking – Black or white. We can be here or there. We can be happy OR sad. We can be heartbroken or hopeful. We need to learn how to use the word AND. We can remember and love and miss the past AND be optimistic about the future. We can be heartbroken AND happy in the same breath. We can be devastated AND determined to keep on going. This is what Jesus’s Gospel gives us…. That AND. He lets us find healing and be whole in Him so we can face the struggles of life AND know that life really is a beautiful gift from GOD.
.And now we will go through
Shock
Anger
Resentment
Pain
Acceptance
Turn this Pain into action. Bring Preston’s memory to a higher place - Guy and Garrett, Austin and Logan are going to finish a Mustang car that Preston purchased…they have decided to name it Zark and have a message of suicide prevention on the car and a scripture that they can take to car shows around the state and talk about Preston and his life. And bring more awareness to this difficult issue of suicide that touches so many families lives.
Angela and Guy have developed a strength they didn’t know they had these past 4 weeks. They would have loved to have found it a different way. And they are so grateful for the many meals brought in, or those who have taken them out, cards, gifts, hands held, hugs, music shared, vigils, thoughts and prayers, phone calls, texts, letters, blessings, a go fund me set up and they would like to thank each of you for that and for being here today. There’s no rule book on how to grieve their boy and this difficult situation.. Just try and get through it your way… there will be ebb days and flow days… and they are all necessary to heal.
If you want to heal - You have to feel
Great parent scriptures. Doctrine and Covenants 78:18
18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.
Good cheer doesn’t mean be happy… it means be encouraged… be in courage.. Courage means: the ability to do something that frightens one ( like carry one after losing PRESTON) or strength in the face of pain or grief.
Let’s fill in those blanks: And ye cannot bear all things now: nevertheless, you will have the ability to do something that frightens you and you will find strength in the face of pain or grief, for I, GOD, will lead you along.
We just passed EASTER and I’m reminded of Christ’s Crucifixion Friday and Resurrection Sunday– and Sad- silent Saturday in between. I liked what E. Wirthlin said about this. “Each of us will have our own Fridays- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces.
But I testify to you in the name of the ONE who conquered death- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come. Maybe you are in a state of Friday right now. But it can be made good too. Not because the situation is good, but because Christ is good in the situation.
He overcame death , And He will help you overcome this.
Sometimes I think we fail people like Preston- the outcast, the loner, the one who doesn’t quite fit in, or is socially awkward, or different from the norm– I don’t want to get caught up in the guilt around it, I would rather like to inspire all of us to do a little better. To live with more compassion and courage to reach out to the one who is struggling, the marginalized, the poor, the needy, the misfit, the quiet moody one.
People are hurting -we just need to assume that everyone we know is limping thru life with some kind of hurt. And could use a helping hand.
I get it…. It’s hard when you reach out that hand and make a bid for connection and all you get is a grunt in return. Preston grunted at me often …. Or he gave an “I don’t care, or what does it matter?” “ I hate Christmas” …but that’s not a stop sign. That’s a cry for help. So Just keep reaching out. We just continue to show up with curiosity and compassion- because that’s who we want to be. Because that’s who God wants us to be. Because people need people.
Pres. Nelson: “ My dear brothers and sisters, how we treat each other really matters! How we speak to and about others at home, at church, at work, and online really matters. Today, I am asking us to interact with others in a higher, holier way. Please listen carefully. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy that we can say about another person- whether to his face or behind her back - that should be our standard of communication.
Earth life was difficult for Preston to maneuver. And now he’s with Jesus and his Angel grandparents who can love on him. In fact, Laila’s first thoughts of learning about Preston’s death were, “Preston is so lucky. He gets to be with Grandma Sheri now.” I like believing that. I like believing in a loving, merciful, grace-filled God and I know Preston does now too. It’s good to be a believer in times like this.
If GOD told Angela and Guy they were only going to get 21 years with their boy and that Preston would have a different life than most kids his age, that it would be frustrating at times and that it would all end tragically, I know they wouldn’t have turned this parenting opportunity down. This chance to love and to be loved. I’m positive they would have told God and Preston, “Hey, Let’s do this. We got each other. We can make a beautiful life together.” And that’s exactly what they did and now they get an eternity to come.
To close I would like to share one more memory:
I can still picture 6th-grade Preston in his suit and tie looking so shiny, singing with all the 6th graders for their graduation program “You lift me up” They did sign language with it…it was beautiful. Preston had a good voice. They also sang a song from the musical Rent. Angela and I sat in the audience and couldn’t stop crying. Our littles were growing up!
Here are the words:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes.
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in your life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Measure your life in
Seasons of love!
Our Preston loved and we loved him.
And now we will all shed five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred tears as we struggle with this loss, and my prayer is that we all continue to work on loving each other better.
I bear you my testimony that God lives. Jesus is the Christ. He loves everybody in this room. He’ll take care of Preston. He’ll take care of us too. I bear that witness in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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