Lift and Love

 This was an interview and article written for the Lift and Love LGBTQ site. 

“We’ve always been all in,” says Melinda Welch, speaking of her and husband Wayne’s affinity for both their marriage and the LDS church. “And we used to be a check all the boxes type of family.  Family prayer, family scripture study, church attendance, church service and missions equals all of our children have solid testimonies and stay in the church and we live happily ever after.” Several decades later, while high school sweethearts Melinda and Wayne are still very much ‘all in’ with their family and the church (Wayne is currently serving as a YSA Bishop in a Bountiful, UT ward), the Welch’s black-and-white thinking has been replaced with a sea of rainbows since two of their five kids have come out as gay.  

Now, the large and loving family has grown in both size and support. Oldest son Addison – 35 is married to Bre – 30, and they are the parents of Alfie – 7, Poppy – 3, with one more on the way. Landon – 33, married Alex – 38, who came with two kids (Andrew – 14 and Sophia – 12) from his previous marriage. Truman is 30. Monson – 28, married Lexi - 26, and they are the parents of Tayla – 5, Lady – 3, and Elsie – 1. And Laila is 19. 

The Welch family shows up for each other – whether it be for Melinda, Addison, and Bre’s theatrical performances or for Truman’s drag shows in Salt Lake. Though the Welch’s posterity are varied in their church affiliation and activity, all showed up in rainbow attire for their recent Pride-themed family party in June. Themed monthly gatherings are just one of Melinda’s traditions to keep her family close. In August, their theme is “Anchor” and they will meet at their cabin, go boating and discuss their respective anchors in life. “We want our grandkids to get it. We talk about inclusion, compassion, not judging. Love. Love better. Love more. We want our legacy to be that. You have to walk that, too; you can’t just talk that. So many of the things we do at this stage are for our grandkids – they’re the ones who will change the culture of the church, and the world.” says Melinda. 

The Welch family’s rainbow journey first started when second oldest son Landon was born. From the start, Melinda describes him as “not your stereotypical boy. He’d tie blankets onto his body to make dresses and wrap them around his head like hair.” His parents just let him go for it. “It was just Landon.” Every Halloween, he’d choose to be a princess or long-lashed Tweety Bird or the Little Mermaid, and Melinda often overheard the “Why do you let him do that’s?” One year, she devised a fool-proof plan (“like Satan,” she laughs), to do a 101 Dalmations family costume. Melinda was Cruella, Wayne was Jasper, and each of the kids would be a puppy. “Of course, Landon claimed Perdita- the girl dog.”

Junior High was rough. Landon would come home sobbing, “All these people keep making fun of me and calling me gay.” “Well, are you?” Melinda would ask. “No, mom, no!” he’d cry. “This was my kid who sat right up in front of the TV for LDS general conference, taking notes, desperate for a nugget telling him he was okay. I was so proud of him, but really, he was dying inside,” Melinda recalls.

In high school, she was a teacher at Bountiful High School, where he attended, and his refuge became her classroom, where he’d show up during lunch. As his peers matured a little, Landon found his crowd with the theatre and music kids.  He was also a Student Body Officer. After graduation, he went to UVU on a leadership scholarship and still hadn’t officially come out, though his parents anticipated it’d be soon. But things took a turn for the worse. They’d get notices he was failing school, holing himself up in his room. “We’d get desperate phone calls and try to talk him off a cliff, begging him to come home.”

In May, at the end of the year, when he should have been receiving a mission call, instead Landon attempted suicide. “We tried our best to help and put him in a mental health facility. Finally he was able to say, ‘I’m gay; this is who I am.’ ‘Yes son, we get that. We know it’s a choice and we’ll support whatever your choice is’.”

Therein lies language Melinda says she is proud they have evolved past, recognizing this was far from a choice. It took a second unexpected confession to help get her and Wayne there. Two years after Landon was born came Truman, and the two were total opposites in childhood. “He was a typical boy. In fact, Truman would make fun of gay people. We had no idea he was on the struggle bus himself.” Truman was also a student body officer at Bountiful High, and loved serving a mission to Manchester, England. He also ended up at UVU, where he also struggled. Right before Christmas 2013, Truman asked for a conversation with his parents in which he told them he was gay. “It came out of nowhere; it was like an out of body experience,” says Melinda. “The good news is for five years, we’d been educating ourselves and now we no longer said dumb things. We just replied, ‘Truman, we’re here for you’.”

Both sons have since left the church, and at times struggle to understand their parents’ allegiance to a faith that makes little room for them. Melinda and Wayne try to show through their love and example that it is partly for their gay sons and others like them that they stay – to make more room. As they’ve served in their YSA bishopric calling for going on five years, they’ve helped numerous LGBTQ young adults and their families come to terms with who they are. Melinda recalls feeling deep comfort after Landon’s suicide attempt when he met with family friend Elder Holland that assured them all that God loves Landon and is totally aware of him and his path. Melinda decided, “If he isn’t worried about you, then I’m not going to worry about you. I know God loves my gay sons as much as He loves you and me and anyone else.” 

Melinda says she prefers to go through this process with God on her side. She has loved learning to release her presuppositions of how her kids should “turn out” in lieu of letting them “just be.” She says, “I get so tired of people calling kids ‘wayward.’ It’s called ‘agency.’ We don’t use words that sound like something’s gone wrong with our children. Nothing’s gone wrong in our family. Families can become so divided. That’s Satan’s goal: division. If we buy into that with our attitudes and opinions, Satan wins. What if instead, we could say, ‘That’s okay, I don’t understand and I’ll just love anyway’.”

The Welches celebrated “so hard” when marriage equality passed in Utah. They had prayed for Landon to find someone to marry – knowing all the while it would be a man. When returned missionary Alex from Brazil entered their world, they were all so happy he brought two kids from his first marriage with him. Landon had always wanted a family of his own. They married in 2015.  Alex’s daughters’ ability to be baptized was compromised by the 2015 LGBTQ policy, and this officially soured Landon’s family’s opinion of the church. “It’s heartbreaking for me,” says Melinda. “These are my people. And also, church people are my people – I want everyone to belong.” She hopes that leaders will use the LGBTQ training resources provided them, which encourage love and compassion. “It feels often like two steps forward, one step back. But at least it’s not two steps forward, three steps back. At least we’re moving in the right direction.”

At the same time, Melinda teaches her kids and grandkids who still attend church to think differently. “We ask them – why do you want to be there? Do you want to just sit and get mad all the time? Or do you want to speak up and help people see it’s not so black-and-white; there are lots of different viewpoints. I’m all about grace – even for those with strong anti-LGBTQ opinions. I have to believe they just don’t know yet. Giving grace to others helps me take back my power and not give my emotional life over to others – instead, I can stay in a loving place filled with compassion and curiosity.”

“I wanted that happily ever after family, and I’ve got it, and I’ve realized it’s not about checking boxes. We’re taught if you do certain things, these will be your blessings, but it seldom adds up. Now I do certain things because I want to…not in an effort to control my children.  I do it to grow me, to change me.  Growth doesn’t happen in the comfort zone. It happens when you’re crying on your bathroom floor. That’s where you meet Jesus. I’m so thankful for all of this. It never feels like a burden, like why me? It’s why not me? Of course, it’s me. Thanks to God, I can totally do this.”