Be a REAL, Human Parent

 Our culture teaches us that what makes a good parent is we are perfect.   We think we have to be better than our children  and present a shiny version of ourselves to our children.  

We don't share mess ups in our past, but we should share-  completely honest, vulnerable and open- that's the key to good parenting.

Instead we show up as a parent who has no fear, no anger, no problems, no mess ups, no shame, no sorrows, no regrets.  

We do this thinking that somehow this will protect them.

We show this non-human version of ourselves to our children who are human.  We hide all of our stuff so we give them no model of what  child/teenage human looks like.  We don't let them see all of our mistakes thinking that somehow  if they know we stole from a store,  tried drugs or alcohol, lied, looked at porn, cheated at school or messed around with a boy that will give them permission to also do it.  

They can/will do it any way whether we did it or not..it's called being human. 

I did some of those things and I didn't learn it from my parents, but I sure did hide it from them.

A better plan would be sharing all of this (age appropriate of course) and also teaching the gift of the atonement and repentance.   And how God knows all of who we are and loves us anyway.  

When we hide ourselves we might make our kids think, "my mom is perfect", but then they feel less about themselves, because they know they aren't perfect -they are fully human.  

We are so afraid of our kids own humanness that we pretend our kids are not going to have fear or anger or problems or mess ups or shame or anxiety or regret.  But they do and we need to love on them around and through this.   Instead we try to fix them quickly because maybe we will appear as less of a perfect mother.  Their mess ups expose our own uncomfortableness with our own humanness.  

It's really all upside down and backwards.

My one mom regret is I didn't pattern this better for my own children.  That I didn't tell them about human Melinda in grade school, in Jr high with friend drama, in High School issues... in College searching for who I wanted to be.    That we didn't talk about it more and just feel the feelings.  That I didn't present repentance in a turning back to God positive light. Instead they digested you really messed up -- something is wrong with you and only you....hide it. Repentance is scary.  

I'm better as a young adult mom.  I can talk about all the things... but starting earlier would have been healthier for all of us.