I stopped going to Church because I was expected to.

Growing up I always just went to church.  I remember telling my parents once or twice that I didn't want to go and my mom said something like, "Okay you just go ask your Heavenly Father if that's okay and see what he tells you."  I prayed and then I went to church.  She was tricky.

I've had a few kids with this same stance of I don't want to go to church anymore and I tried my mom's thing.  It worked for a couple of my kids...a couple I just had to bribe..."you go to church for me and I'll do this for you."  Not the best of parenting.  Wayne and I always said that if you live under our roof you will obey our rules and one is we go to church on Sunday.   Jr High age Laila was the most defiant about this.  She wasn't raised in a herd like the boys so her single opinion didn't affect the rest of the house hold.  Some times it was easier for me to just not fight with her and let her stay in bed while I went to church alone.  These were the years that Wayne was attending other wards anyway, so it was just me and Laila at church, or sometimes just me.  I chose to be sad about this.

I had to really get clear as to why I was going to church...and not because I was expected to.  I really like it.  I look forward to it.  I really find that I need it.  I need to be taking the sacrament to show my Heavenly Father that "yeah, I didn't do so great this week, but I'm working on it and I'll do better."  I need to be gathering with like minded saints and reading and discussing the gospel together.     I choose to go to church not because I'm supposed to, but because I want to.  

I also learned to love Laila whether she went to church or not.  I want her to go to church but I don't need her to go to church for me to love her.  She can do whatever is working for her.  She has her own life classroom and the lessons she needs are different than the ones I think she needs.  

What we Do is important, but the Why we do it is also important.   I saw this quote on the internet and it really spoke to me....

" Why go to church? Why pay tithing? Why read the scriptures? These things are not ends in themselves. The church is not the “Church of Paying Tithing.” It is not the “Church of Having an Important Calling.” It is not the “Church of Following My Leaders.” It is the Church of Jesus Christ. And becoming like Him is the end. "

I'm trying to look at my why and really get to the point of being more Christlike, to come to Christ and live His doctrine and feel His love, to accept and love as He did.   The purpose of church and keeping the commandments, and living the gospel is to change ME. Not because I have to to just check it off the list. It gives me peace and purpose and keeps me away  from doubt.  

"So, I stopped going to church because I was expected to.

Instead, I started going to experience “a transformation, an actual change in [my] understanding of life’s meaning and [my] allegiance to God.”[2]

I stopped paying tithing because I was expected to. Instead, I started paying because it helped me to appreciate what I have – because it enlarged my perspective and helped me to focus less on the material and more on the eternal.[3]

I stopped reading my scriptures because I was told to. Instead, I started studying, pondering and examining them because it helped me to understand who Christ really is and how His life, death and resurrection affect me.

I stopped serving in the church because someone asked me to. Instead, I started serving because it helped me to look outside of myself and find purpose in “lift[ing] up the hands which hang down.”[4]

I stopped going to the temple because I was encouraged to. Instead, I started going because it helped me to see that just as I gave my whole heart and commitment to my husband, I needed to give the same to Christ."

This is the path I am on....and I love it.   The circumstances haven't changed...it's still church with all of it's flaws, but It feels better and my thoughts have lifted.