Trees need Wind

I've walked past this tree for years.  I'm always impressed at the shape it has grown in.  Obviously when it was a young tree the wind came and really changed the angle and trajectory of this tree's growth, but the tree held on through the wind and was determined to thrive and eventually straightened back out.  Quite the struggle.  

I love the story of the ecosystem (Biosphere) that scientists created in the 80s and 90s.  It was to help research how to create sustainable life in space.  It was a perfect environment with healthy vegetation and rich soil. But the trees couldn’t seem to mature the way they had hoped.  After some research, they realized the problem was that the biosphere didn’t have wind. Trees need wind to help firm up their roots so they have to dig down deep.  It helps make them stronger and live a longer tree life.

We need wind in our lives. 
It's the struggle and the wrestle that makes us dig down deep and become stronger people.  

I shielded too much wind from my children.
I fought too many of my boys battles.
I carried too many of their feelings-- when they were sad I was sad, when they were mad I was mad.  
I took away so much of their agency.  I told them how and what they should be.  Should go to church.  Should go to school.   Should get good grades.  Should try out for this. Should act this way.  I "should" on my boys a lot.  

I'm down to my last teen ager and here's what I know, we are definitely raising Laila different than we did her four older brothers.  We raised them in a herd with firmer curfews, rules, chores and consequences, but not so much agency.  With Laila we are much more free form, less stressed and negotiations happen all of the time around here.  

There is much more wind in Laila's life than I ever allowed in my boys lives during this same high school time period.  They received the wind/struggle a different way while on their missions, in college or when they left home.  It would have been more helpful to them had I allowed their struggle sooner.  Let them fail more when the risk  wasn't as high while they were still under my roof, like in high school classes, church, with their grades, teams and friends.

I have learned, after very rocky jr. high Laila years to let go and let love.  To let Laila be Laila. Here's what that looks like:
I dropped the "Laila manual" and got rid of the shoulds.  We still have rules and consequences because she lives in our home, but there isn't so much emotion tied into it.  Just," Oh, you missed curfew, turn over your keys."  She knows and we know. 
Laila needs to carry her own feelings.  I see her being sad or mad or discouraged, and I don't need to mirror it. I just need to "hold space" for this and not let it mean anything about me when she's lashing out. Her feelings are about her and her thoughts. And....she doesn't need to be happy all of the time.
I don't need to fight her battles. If she doesn't make the cheer squad, or fails a choir try out, or forgets homework, or has to figure out what to do if she misses too many classes or has too many tardies, or has a fight with a friend ....I stay out of it and leave it in her court. 

This is all good WIND for her.  She has to dig deep, she becomes stronger and turns into a more thriving, confident Laila, sturdy like a tree.