Faith journey is a GIFT

I've been listening to podcasts and reading books lately about faith journeys.  I can relate to so much of it.  The one comment I really liked was calling a faith journey or crisis a GIFT.    My journey has been a gift to me.  

It's a gift because it brought on searching and questioning and a deepening of my faith.
  
It's a gift because it moved me into NOT needing all of the answers and being able to live in uncertainty and be okay with it. 

It's a gift because it changed the way I look at the leaders of the church.

It's a gift because it changed the way I pray. 
  
It's a gift because I have come closer to God.  

Through all of this, I never stopped going to church.  Having an organized religion...and being able to gather with like-minded, struggling Saints, has helped me on this path.  

Many people are dumping their religion and moving into spirituality since religion can be viewed as divisive.   
1- We can use religion to separate us from other people or judge others who don't share our beliefs.

2.  We can use the commandments as a manual to set expectations for spouses or children which can create resentment and fear about what it means if the spouse or child doesn't meet the manual.

3.  We can use religion to beat ourselves up by comparing ourselves to other people at church.

but

My religion and spirituality are all bundled together. 

Attending church is supposed to point us to GOD; to help us remember our covenant to be more Christ-like and always remember Him. 

What I've worked on is NOT going to church with a chip on my shoulder -- “I dare you to say do something I don't agree with.”   

NOT being on the lookout for something or someone to take offense to.  

NOT being exclusively inclusive-- I can only talk to you and like you if you agree with me. 

I try to remember this saying, " You will never look into the eyes of someone the Savior does not love. "

I now go with the goal of looking for things that remind me of God.  

I used to be constantly sorting leaders- the good ones I could stand to listen to and the ones who just didn't "get it."  I would do this with Elder Packer and I find myself sometimes doing it with Elder Oaks... but I'm working on stopping this.  Instead, I look at this person or this leader and recognize they are speaking out of love. They are doing their best.   Whatever their life experience has brought them to this point and I would say and do the same things they are saying and doing if I had their life.  I give generous assumptions.  It doesn’t cost me anything to believe this and it feels so much better.

If I find myself not liking Relief Society or Sunday School or even Sacrament meeting I don't put the blame on others.  I stop and look at what is going on in my own thoughts.    I know that all of these circumstances are neutral and my uncomfortableness or isolated feeling comes from my thoughts, not from the meetings.

I decided to be who I needed others to be for me in Relief Society.  I need people to be vulnerable and authentic and not be caught up in the "perfect" answers. I need people to open their doors so I can see and hear that they are all struggling and it's okay.   So I try to model this in Relief Society and I express extra thanks either openly or on the side to others who do this too.   

Now I pray so differently.   I counsel with the Lord.  I sit with uncertainty.  If my kids don't end up safe or leave the church... God's got their back.   I move forward with love and trust.  

All of this is a gift because of my faith journey.

And one more thing.... I understand why as an LDS church we congregate geographically and we don't get to pick and choose what ward we are going to attend.  It would be easy to go to church with all of my family and friends who I love.  That wouldn't take much on my part. That wouldn't be a sacrifice.  I could stay in my comfort zone.   Attending church with people I don't really know or like or have things in common with is the harder path.  AND....it is a perfect way for us humans to practice being more Christ-like.  It stretches me to serve, to say hello and inquire and talk to my ward people.  It's what Christ would have me do. 

I like this quote from one of my spiritual heroes:

“Be spiritually independent enough that your relationship with the Savior doesn't depend on your circumstances or on what other people say and do. Have the spiritual independence to be a Mormon--the best Mormon you can--in your own way. Not the bishop's way. Not the Relief Society president's way. Your way.”

― Chieko N. Okazaki, Lighten Up