In the body image club

I remember  being 11 years old, sitting in the stair well  picking at the green carpet listening to the conversation around me.  I had a shag hair cut and wore my new wire frame glasses and purple-flare pants.  Marcie was in her trendy suede jacket with the striped sweater back and  olive green cords and she was crying.  Again.   Marcie was crying over something some dumb, snot-nosed kid said about her weight  and mom was helping her remember she's a beautiful child of God and that it doesn't matter what other kids say.  This scenario always ended with extra hugs and attention from my mom.  The stair well drama became a regular occurrence for many years. The clothing  and hair styles changed but the loving conversation and extra hugs remained the same. 

 The pep talks worked.  By the time Marcie hit high school she had good self esteem, awesome fashion sense and didn't let other's comments or negativity bother her.  I was an interested bystander through all of this with my wanna be Farrah Fawcett hair that was really 10 inches too short to rock that look, wearing my jeans from the 5-7-9 store.

Marcie and I shared clothes - mostly tops and jewelry as a lot of sisters do.  We couldn't share much else.  Marcie was always the older, taller one going through high school as a size 16.  It wasn't easy on her, but with a mom who supported, loved on and was always willing to be there to buoy her up,  she enjoyed her high school experience. 

I had a big aha recently.
I've had weight and body image issues since I was in Jr. High.
Me.
The girl who at the most has weighed 45 lbs over what the normal weight range for a person my height should be and that's when I was pregnant. The girl whose largest size I have ever had to buy is a size 14 and I usually hover in the 10-12 range without too much effort.   
 
I've decided  a lot of it stems from my subconscious wanting my mom's extra love, hugs and attention like what Marcie was getting for her weight issues. It was something I could bond over with mom and Marcie. A way that I could be in their "club."

It's taken me decades to realize this.

It would have been more helpful had I picked up on the "you are 100% love-able and 100% worthy no matter how you look or what you weigh...this is a fact just because you are a child of God and were born" message mom was preaching at the same time.

Losing weight has so much to do with my thoughts.  Becoming aware of  the resistance my lower brain wants to throw in my weight loss path.  The thoughts of "you deserve to eat that" and "this diet will never work"and "this is too hard" that seem to sabotage me.  I have come to recognize that this is human and how brains work, and it's up to me to tell my lower -primitive brain to settle down and just move forward anyway.  To not get side tracked in fear, doubt, insecurity and shame and sneak some ice cream or a cracker.  This is what my lower brain wants me to do so it doesn't have to learn new things. My higher brain, on the other hand, is on my side and wants to help me evolve.  It's just more challenging to stay in consciousness and be in that higher brain.

I'm great at "white knuckling" myself through the weight loss process but I have always gained it back when I release the control and return to my old thoughts and old ways of eating. 

New thoughts are on their way.  It's possible that I can get rid of 20 pounds of weight without gaining it back.  It's possible that I am 100% love-able no matter what I weigh.  It's possible that food - what I"m going to eat or what I ate won't consume my thoughts.  It's possible that Mom and Marcie loved me whether I was in their "club" or not.  It's possible.  It's all possible. 

My motto this year is change your thoughts change your life and I'm embracing it!

Sometimes I wish I was back in that stair well with mom telling me "all the things," but...... I  know I can tell myself and manage my own thoughts.