Letter to Laila

Dear Laila,

I know you don’t want to have this conversation, (and you will just call it a lecture), so I decided to write it down instead…then you can read and we can discuss if you want to …. 

This is all about Boys, Sex and  dating.

1. What about boys?

A boy is a human being with feelings, insecurities, likes, dislikes and hobbies just like a girl. You do not need to treat him like an amazing “god” because he flips his hair just right, posts a picture of his six pack abs.  You do not need to, nor should you, stand in awe of the fact that he is talking to you. You are an interesting and intelligent person. Why wouldn’t he talk to you? As a matter of fact, your relationship with him will go better if you treat him like a regular person. Trust me on this one. You are not stupid. Don’t act like you are.

Reasons to listen to #1:

a. Relationships go better when both people have an equal investment in each other. You are worth him putting in an equal effort to the relationship. Don’t chase, call, cross boundaries flirting or continuously attempt to push your friendship into dating. If it is going to happen then it will.

b. If you truly like him then you also want him to actually like you. TALK to him about school, pets, your nieces and nephews, your strict parents, sports, books, politics, ideas, or whatever. Do not tell him your darkest secrets when you have just met him and do not try to entice a deeper relationship by dipping into suggestive conversations/photos about sex or sexual material. Sex does not equate to really caring about anyone-. Just do NOT go there.

2. Zip your lips.

You will have better relationships with boys if you keep who you are “crushing”on,  keep your conversations, and your dating desires to yourself. This goes for hanging out with friends, that thing you call “hanging” and actual dating too. The less you share with your friends in your giddy excitement the better.

Quit rolling your eyes, and no, it is not true that friend A, B or C will not say anything to anyone, because they WILL. ---don’t give them “power” over you.

Reasons to listen to #2:

a. No one likes feeling discussed or pressured in a new relationship or any relationship. Friends, and not so good  friends, have a way of pushing, teasing, and questioning their peers for a wide variety of reasons.  I know you have played “truth or dare… or truth or truth……In the end this rarely goes well.

b. You may meet or talk to someone else tomorrow. If you are not dating anyone. why not just keep your options open? The really quiet boy who is asking you about your math assignment may like you and be trying to get to know you. If he hears you are crazy about another  boy in class, he will quit. You may miss a great relationship opportunity because you declared a mythical crush relationship. Sometimes the best dating potential is right there in your face, but you can’t see it because you are all gaga over “crush boy.”

As a side note, the quiet and unassuming boy is likely the boy you SHOULD date. You will have fun, friendship and a positive relationship experience. The overly confident boy who puts a lot of pressure on you is the one you should be avoiding. Just saying.

c. Passed-on gossip is like the telephone game. It is hardly ever accurate. Do you want your new crush to hear that you said something utterly ridiculous that you actually didn’t even say? Talking about crushes is simply an invitation to drama. Who needs that? NO ONE.

d.  Don’t gossip…

e. Social media is NOT your friend.

3. Attention is NOT affection.

If all your new boy, who is a friend, or may be more than a friend, or even is a boyfriend, has to say to you is how beautiful you are and how he would like to spend time at your house when your parents aren’t home, then you have his attention but not affection. If he is asking you to send naked photos or FaceTime him from your bed, then you can be flattered if you must, but be flattered as you are saying “bye bye” or “in your dreams” and hanging up that phone you want to keep so badly.

Reasons to listen to #3:

a. Yes. You are all hormonal young adults. Everyone gets it. However, being sexually interested in another person is not at all the same as caring about that person.

b. If someone likes you and RESPECTS you then they will not begin a relationship with blatant sexualized requests or conversations.

c. If you like and RESPECT yourself, you will not allow a relationship to begin with sexualized requests or conversations.  Don’t engage in Sexy talk.  No sexting. If you don’t want your Grandma Welch to see it, don’t take the pic and don’t send it.

d. Wait for the affection over time before being intimate with a person. It is worth it and so are you!

e. Just because sex is all over the media and all the teens on TV are doing it, doesn’t mean it is a good idea to practice that behavior in real life. Being over exposed to the wrong messages doesn’t make them the right messages.

f. Actions should speak louder than words. If a boy is on your phone everyday discussing how hot you are and sending kissing emojis but doesn’t want to spend time doing something non- intimate, or have an actual conversation about real life, then believe that he isn’t really interested in you as a friend only as an object.  Quit the texts.

g. You want to keep your  phone.   ( I will drive over that thing.)

4. Do not dive in.

You don’t have to be attached to anyone in High School.  Value yourself. Value your body. Value your mind. Value your worth. None of those things change if you are attached to a boy. A boy doesn’t make you more of anything.

Reason to listen to #4

a. You are a worthwhile person. You are a daughter of God.

b. See A.

5. SLOW DOWN!

You have years to explore dating and relationships. Just Date for fun.  Don’t be in such a hurry. I am not such a Puritan as to think you are not curious about sex. It is slammed down your throat from every other song on the radio. However, it is not the end-all-be-all of life. It does not make good relationships. It can ruin relationships, and, quite frankly, your other dreams and aspirations. I am asking you to respect yourself. Be mature enough to wait and develop a relationship that has significant meaning and longevity (the crush is not significant meaning) and to realize that sexualized relationships can impact, influence and affect your goals, and your life.   Wait for the Right One…in a marriage relationship.  That is the best way. 

But……..If you are going to engage in sex before that, you better USE PROTECTION.  No one needs an unwanted pregnancy. Be smart.  Don’t be another pregnant-unwed-Mormon girl because you were too ashamed or scared  to ask about condoms or birth control. 

Reason to listen to #5

a. Once upon a time your mother was actually a teenager and she just may know a thing or two about this topic.

b. You are amazing (even though you may not think so) and have the opportunity to grow and experience many wonderful relationships in time. Again-Slow down.

6.  Let’s talk about Sex

Sex is such a vulnerable thing and it puts you in a very vulnerable position.  Getting naked in front of some one can be scary but  seeing each other’s bodies not just as titillation but as I will take care of you and you will take care of me is the  best.

Great Sex needs to happen slowly.  If you are never  able to relax, enjoy and take your time  (hence the marriage)  then it really only pleasures the man since his orgasms happen easily and yours need more time and ”work”.    Random sex with boys you don’t really care about makes it so you get very little out of it and probably will get an indifferent attitude towards sex.   Which then makes you start to think, what’s the big deal?  With the right man at the right time, it’s a big beautiful deal of a thing, and it’s the most real you will ever feel.   The Big deal is it should be saved and shared with your one and only in marriage.  

Reason to listen to #6

A.     Kissing is fun but doesn’t need to lead to Sex, or touching, or anything else.  Be careful with this one…girls can stop easier than boys.

B.     NO means NO

C.     Sex is a gift and really is BEST once you are married. 

7.  Mistakes happen…

I get it.  We are only human.   If you make mistakes and want to get  back on track, please access the Atonement  of Jesus Christ.   Don’t wallow in “why am I so stupid,”  self pitying darkness that drags your feelings of self worth  through the mud.  Go to your bishop. Makes things right with the Lord and you can move back into the Light. The Light is a good place to be.  Feeling good about yourself  and being able to share goodness with others is happiness.

Reason to listen to #7

A.  It’s the truth

8.  …  and a few more things..

A.      You will experience a broken heart. Most guys will be sad about losing you, but a select few will be complete jerks who frankly don’t care. Listen to your friends. If they say the guy is trouble, stay away.

B.     Love and respect yourself. Look at yourself. What’s not to love? You are a beautiful and unique creature, and there is no one like you anywhere else in the world.  I know there are times when it seems like there is no one out there for you, but be patient. Friends and boyfriends arrive when the time is right. There are people out there who NEED to know you, people whose lives would be better if they spent just five minutes with you. Know that about yourself. You are infinitely lovable. You are infinitely valuable. Never sell yourself short.  You are a daughter of GOD.

I love you Laila.  I am ALWAYS on your side.  These high school years can be wonderful!     

Love your momma bear…Me