I'm turning 55.
It's kind of crazy for me and the thought that keeps going into my head is Marcie never got to be 55.
It's been almost 2 years since my big sister left this world, and I continue to think of her daily and worry about her kids and be proud of her kids and marvel in her grand kids and try to be there for Gary.
The emptiness of her death is always with me....but I don't cry every day any more. I still get choked up and have tears hit me at the weirdest time...at Dick's when getting groceries, at firework displays, pulling scones, swim days. I still think I'm going to turn the corner on Davis Blvd and see her. I still want to find out what book she is reading, her latest shoe purchase and I want to see what she is wearing to church. She always had such style.
I know that having Mom and Dad go to heaven all with in this two year span along with Marcie was so heavy and I was in such a fog for so long. I definitely have more clear days and less fog, but I need to learn to really just settle into the feelings. I have heard the saying.. "Lean in to the Suck".... this is what I'm trying to do and not just eat my feelings and numb it all.
As we head into our Bear Lake week I kind of ache for the good old days...when mom would make sandwiches on the beach and sit and paint, and Dad would wander back and forth, fully clothed, trying to stay in the shade and read and be on"flexible schedule" and Marcie would load her bags with theatre candy to share with all and hold on to the umbrella or shade to keep it from blowing away during the 4:00 winds.
Change happens. I get to be 55 and Marcie doesn't. We won't be making sandwiches on the beach ...atleast not as good as momma Sheri's, or painting, or hanging out in head to toe clothing, or eating theatre candy....but.....Everyone is making an appearance at Bear Lake this year.... and it's going to be awesome....boating, and reading, and raspberry shakes, and biking...and it's all good.
I feel I have had post- traumatic growth.....
As I get older I'm more grateful in my day, more gentle with people, and I don't want to waste my time not feeling, or not learning, not creating, not loving. Relationships take top priority.