Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Last weeks....

It's so weird knowing your dad and sister's last days or weeks are here.  We never know when anyone is going to leave our world, I mean I could get in an accident and die tomorrow, but having Marcie's pancreatic cancer and Dad's kidney failure diagnosed make for a pretty bleak outlook.

Dad is at peace with his decision to go off of dialysis.  He never wanted to do it in the first place and the times that he did it, he hated.  It wiped him out, (but he did make it to Rachel's wedding as promised and he looked dashing in his new blue suit.) So Dad is coming back to his home on Thursday and we will just enjoy him while he's on this side of the veil.  We don't know if he's got two weeks or two months.  He is going to have a family gathering on Sunday and have his "King Benjamin moment", or "King Cole Moment" with all of his posterity.  He's going to share his testimony and we will sing songs and say a "forever" prayer at the end.   I've had my final father's blessing.  I sat on the floor at dad's feet and felt his love pour through his hands on my head as he blessed me.
What a wonderful father I've had the privelege of having.  I have never doubted his love for me or my siblings and he absolutely adored and loved my momma.  Dad is so kind, so gentle, so nice and funny and spiritual and I'm just so grateful he's my dad.  I'm actally so jealous and happy that he's going to be with my mom again.   What a blessed reunion that will be.

Marcie continues to be mostly positive.  Her spirit is willing but her flesh is growing ever weaker.  They have upped her pain meds so she can make it through her day.  She does physical therapy mostly for blood flow.  She can't sit up or even hold her head up for long.  She can't roll over or push herself up.  She can move her hands and arms and smile.    She is still in control of her world and until she is done doing that, the feeding tube will continue to feed.   It's  all difficult.

I feel like I'm walking through syrup all of my day.

It's hard to find energy to do anything beyond cry and to feel the perpetual pull to be by my dad's or Marcie's bedside.

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