Marcie

My beautiful sister Nov 2014

I was able to go to Marcie's oncologist appointment  today. Marcie was hoping for good news and it didn't happen. Her body is in no condition for any more chemo. No CT scan could be taken because just moving her out of the wheel chair to the table is such an ordeal. She can't mover her legs.  They did take her blood to see white count and cancer markers. Marcie is so weak from cancer, chemo, the Infection and low nutrition.  So there was talk of hospice and staying with physical therapy only if she wanted to  because maybe she could rally, maybe get strong again, maybe get her legs under her and then chemo could start again.  I think Marcie is just grasping at anything that sounds like hope so PT will still be happening plus she is one of the most stubborn, determined people I know. 

But hearing the word hospice.... I couldn't stop crying. I've been wrapping my heart and head around the inevitability of this for months but it still felt so fresh when Dr Samuelson said there is really nothing to be done, go home and be with your family.  She was really at peace though with the Dr's bad news and is just going to keep on  keeping on at the Life Care Center. 

I love my sister and I have apologized to her for being so sad and tearful today.  Some days are just like that. 

I cry because she is too young to be doing this and to be gone out of my life so soon. 

I cry because we were supposed to grow old together and be the crazy hat ladies going to our grandkids recitals and performances. 

I cry because her body is so bruised and broken and it's difficult to watch CNA's struggle to move her from bed to chair....they  even dropped her once.  She has no muscle or strength to move herself or help them at all. 

I cry because life is so fragile

I cry because what if I didn't get enough pictures? What if I forget?   What if