I really do have a sense of myself in this universe. I really get that God loves me and knows me and wants me to be happy. I get that there is not a measuring stick in the sky that I'm failing to measure up to. I get all of this. I feel of God's love for me daily. I know that when he considers the lilies of the field, and the sparrows in the sky and all of the world's wondrous creations, he sees me and loves me and counts me as an individual too. He knows me.
I know my husband loves me. Wayne loves me in good health in bad, in rich times and poor, and in thin and heavier times. He really does.
I am enough.....I should be enough.....but....
It's my crazy head that keeps me trapped in my chub. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I don't like how I feel when I'm out of control eating, when I can't stop.
Anyone who has more than 20 pounds of chub to lose, just doesn't get what I'm so crazed about. They roll their eyes at my blog and say, "You look great."
Why, when there are so many "real" struggles in the world , am I trapped in this one?
Who cares?
Why do I care?
I get all of this.....I just know that after 30 plus years of struggling with this, if I don't try to get this monkey off my back now, I'll be 60 years old and still obsessing about it. So I'm dealing with it now. Straight on. Heads up. I'm going to be fearless and excrutiatingly honest.
At the end of this blog adventure, I'm going to either end up "my version of thin" or else right back where I am now, just more okay with it.
I'm hoping for the first option, but I'll settle for Okay.
2 comments:
Yes, Wayne does love you, no matter what. Amazing, but he does. and I'm not talkin about the weight!
You just passed the first test by saying no matter how it turns out you will be O.K. with it.
I used to write suchi things as you....only I did it in all of thse notebooks you saw laying around. I think I keft the lying around so someone would read it and and somehow help me. about five years ago, I threw thwm Ll out...well I though I did. Everyonce in a while I will find an epistle on weught....and I remember ak of the others I wrote. Talking aboutit is a very good thing.
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